30 August 2011

Submissive Doesn't Mean...

...I'm into BDSM and the sexual fetish lifestyle revolving around being submissive or surrendered. I don't wear a collar, receive spankings when I do "wrong", I'm not a "slave" to my "master", I don't prefer to be a doormat. I'm no masochist, though a swat on the ass in play on the way by once in awhile doesn't bother me. Being submissive doesn't mean that I have fluff between my ears, or that I will just shut my mouth and do what I'm told. And no, if I speak up and say my mind, you may NOT put a ball gag in there.

I'm sure I've ranted about this before on another similar experience group, but submissiveness isn't all about the sex. It's about communication, love, respect, and deep trust. That's not just from the perspective of the submissive, either. The door MUST swing both ways for a dominant/submissive relationship to work. The submissive needs their dominant mate to be strong, to provide for them, to help them feel secure, safe, and comfortable as they are. The dominant must always be kind, caring, gentle, and considerate of his mate's needs, and his top priority should be to see to it that these needs are met.

I've been submissive my entire life. I was a quiet, shy, ultra-serious, and very reserved child. I was also very naive, and my submissive nature and the way I was raised contributed heavily to me putting myself into a very bad, very abusive relationship. Fact of the matter is, I didn't know how to simply say no, so I just went along with things I felt a little squicky about. By the time I fully realized my position, I felt there was no way out, and therefore I was stuck for seven long, lonely, and scary years. I finally managed to break away, although it was extremely difficult for me. Doing so likely saved my life.

I found myself suddenly single and pregnant, with almost no support in my life. I was scared to death of being alone and single forever. So when the opportunity came to get together with an old High School boyfriend, I leapt at it, much to my detriment. I had second thoughts leading up to and all through our wedding. I didn't really want him to touch me. I grit my teeth and bore his attempts at sex. I stayed home while he went to work, but the only time I was truly happy was when he was gone. I ended up discovering a lot of truths about my husband, among them many lies and the fact that he thought marriage was for free housekeeping and free sex whenever he wanted it. After three years, I ended it and moved across the country, with the desire to put as much space between me and him as possible.

I learned a lot from that marriage, truth be told. I learned what I really needed out of a man. My ex is one of those guys that's so eager to please that he has no mind of his own. What do you want for dinner? Whatever you want. What movie would you like to see? I don't care, whichever one you like. The list goes on and on. As it turns out, my ex was submissive himself, and that was the sticking point and one of the largest reasons why our marriage failed. It taught me that I need a truly dominant man, one that holds to traditional values. Someone I had things in common with, that would listen and actively engage my mind in conversation and matters of intellect.

In moving across the country, I ended up finding just who I was looking for, and I'm ever so glad for all the mistakes I've made. If I hadn't made them, they never would've led me here.

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