In Defense of Godly Submission

This is my response on a forum in relation to the topic of Godly / Biblical Submission. This is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I consider it to be one of the most important things that is lacking in most relationships in this day and age. I truly feel that more women would be happier in their marriages if they would just give in to God...and submit to their worthy husbands.

And so, I wrote the below:

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I have written on the topic of submission so many times now that I don't even know where to begin! lol

I'm a very firm believer in Godly headship, and that women are to submit to their husband's authority. The husband, in turn, must answer to Christ and ultimately God for the health, safety, and well-being of his family-- not only spiritually, but also physically, mentally, and emotionally as well. A man who is abusive or uses Godly submission as an excuse to trod upon his wife IS NOT DESERVING OF HEADSHIP.

IMO, the key to being able to submit to Godly authority-- and therefore to your husband-- means having a husband WORTHY of submitting to!

A Godly man that does his best to be all that he has to be to ensure the happiness and safety of his family. He works hard, takes care of his children, leads his family spiritually. He is a strong man and therefore he makes it easier for a Godly woman to submit to him.

Much like any company or institution, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE PERSON IN ULTIMATE AUTHORITY. There is a President and a Vice-President, but the President is always the higher authority, the end-all, be-all of decision-making.

No business can be run when every moment is a power-struggle, when every executive decision made is constantly questioned and nitpicked and second-guessed. All this sort of behavior will do is start to make the President second-guess his every move...and eventually he won't want to make a decision at all, his self-confidence being completely shattered because no one is confident IN him.

Does that mean that the President does not ever CONSULT his VP? No, of course not. They should have calm, rational discussions on a day-to-day basis regarding the runnings of the business. They should not let their wants and emotions get in the way of reaching a decision, but do what is best for the entire company.

Ephesians 5:25-33

King James Version (KJV)

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
²⁶ That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
²⁷ That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
²⁸ So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
²⁹ For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
³⁰ For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
³¹ For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
³² This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
³³ Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

The bible does not tell husbands to SUBJUGATE their wives, nor does it say that wives must tolerate abusive, controlling behaviors. It does not say that men must schedule out every waking moment of their wife's life.

The bible COMMANDS men to love their wives as their own body! So clearly, they would be going against God's expressed commands if they were to abuse the trust their submissive wife has placed in them!

I do have a mind. I have thoughts and opinions. I have beliefs. And I can and DO express all those things to my husband-- who IS my Head of Household. And you know what? Because he is worthy of my submission, he listens to every word I say and takes my counsel into account before he goes and makes huge decisions that will effect our relationship or our entire family.

Does he tell me what I should wear every day? What we should eat? How I should do my hair (or in my case, mandate that I cover)? What we should buy at the store? ...and on and on and on? Heck, no! He trusts me enough to know that I am perfectly capable of presenting myself as a good, wholesome, modest, feminine woman. He trusts me enough to know that as his wife, companion, and household steward, that I know more about running the house and other things of importance than he does! And when/if I'm unable to perform my role as a homemaker (such as if I'm ill, or like now, when I'm unfortunately working and he's laid off)...well, he just asks me how I think he should do it!

A real man would never be afraid to ask his woman how to do anything. As the Head of the Household, it is his responsibility to ensure that he knows ALL the functions of the house, his own responsibilities as well as mine.

I think the rub lies in what people think "SUBMISSIVE" actually means. It's been so twisted and distorted and given such a negative connotation that there is always this massive knee-jerk reaction whenever the word is even casually mentioned. You can thank (or rather, blame) feminism for that one.

Through searching the scriptures for the actual TRUTH, people can come to learn what REAL submission means and how they should live their lives in a God-fearing manner.

What is Being a Submissive Wife?

I wrote the forthcoming little snippet on the 11th of January of this year in one of my mom's groups and just happened to stumble across it by accident. Once I reread back over it and realized that it needs to be re-posted somewhere where it can get more exposure.

Some of these things have changed-- especially in the realm of my staying at home, because I now work-- but it's still pertinent and I've left it in its entirety without changing anything.

So here goes!

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To me, being a woman submitting to one's husband is a matter of following Natural Order-- the rules of the universe given to us by our Creator to live by. Since the dawn of time, this is how it's been, and only ever changed until very recently. It makes absolutely no sense to me to live the way people do now. The constant struggle for power over the relationship and always wondering who is in charge is asinine at best. It's no wonder children are growing up nowadays not knowing what role they are to play in life!

In a sense, I do follow my HOH in a biblical way, too, although I don't do so because I'm a Christian. I'm actually not, although I do believe in Jesus Christ, his message, and God's all-encompassing love. I just firmly believe that the bible taught us that families should be ordered this way simply because it is Natural for us to do so...or, if you want to put it biblically, because God wants us to live this way. Since God is the Maker of All Things, following the biblical standards set forth is simply True, Right, and Natural, because he is the Creator of everything and therefore all Natural Laws belong to God. ...if you can follow my roundabout logic! 

My position is that if it worked so well for so long with the man being the head of the household, it oughtn't have ever been changed in the first place. 

I am a natural submissive in the realm of the classic 50s style housewife. I love to cook and clean, and especially love taking care of my man. I prefer to stay at home to do this, and he prefers it as well. Submitting is easy for me because my HOH makes it very easy for me to do: he's hardworking, extremely trustworthy, caring, loving, considerate, and strong. He always thinks of his family first before worrying about himself. His morals are unshakable, and he has not and never will give me cause to doubt him.

My Personal Debate Over Hairstyling

So I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking lately (those are two of my most-used personality traits). As I've written before, modesty and submission are both huge things for me. They are absolutely essential to my psychological and spiritual makeup, as it were. I've gotten to thinking more about being modest and being submissive, and what that means to me.

I've had some huge issues where it regards my head, head-covering, and hair. A lot of people claim that 1 Corinthians 11 is referring to hair as a head-covering. I can't say that I agree with them, because I feel that the headcovering mentioned there is referring to something physically covering over the top of a woman's head. However, I can say that I get where they're coming from, and some of that feeling is manifesting in my internal debate.

As much as I've always tried to stay away from just using the bible as a source for Truth, it doesn't seem to happen, because I find a LOT of Truths in there. One of the ones I've been thinking about revolving around this subject is a particular idea that a woman's hair is her glory.

Since I was thirteen, I've been chopping my hair off. I'm not talking about shoulder length or anything like that: I mean full-out boy-short hair. I think doing so was a huge part of my "rebellion"-- if you can even call it that; I was nothing if not a very compliant child AND teen-- against my father's belief that all women and girls should have long hair.

I've justified wanting to chop off my hair a million different ways. I've gone the route of "It's my body and I'll do what I want with it" (shudder, I sound like a die-hard feminist liberal harpy bitch in that one...). I've reasoned with myself that it's only hair and it'll grow back anyways. I've said that having a short haircut makes me feel more cute or active or confident or self-assured or insert-positive-adjective-here. I've also worked it around in my head that because my hair is so coarse and thick, it tends to give me headaches the longer it gets, so the best solution is to just cut it short. Not only that, but it's a mess to try and untangle once it gets to that certain point.

But now I'm kind of at a time in my life where I feel evermore a huge desire to look and act more feminine, and that part of me that grew up with my Daddy mandating that women MUST have long hair is starting to prod at me again. Not only that, but the last time I got my hair cut, I was extremely pleased with the outcome...but it seemed to me that my HOH was not so much. He preferred my hair longer, and truth be told, his opinion of how I look matters to me more than my own opinion of how I look. After all, he's the one looking at ME day and night, while the only time I look at myself is when I look in a mirror. I don't do that all too often, so...

I'm not sure...CAN a woman be feminine and girly while still having short hair? Is wanting to keep my hair short a matter of pride for me? Should I or should I not value my HOH's opinion of my looks over my own? 

Because I'm having an urge to let it grow and suffer the headaches-- literal and figurative-- that goes along with it, with the idea that it will please my HOH and God to be more womanly in appearance.

Decision: undecided. Sigh.

Making Changes in My Life.

Image from GarlandsofGrace

I swore to myself that when I started this blog, I wouldn't get all spiritual on folks. After all, not everyone is submissive because of spiritual reasons, right?

Well...things are changing in my home, and it's something I feel the need to express. If you don't like it or feel uncomfortable, feel free to skip over this post.

K and I have been making a point lately of spending the evenings when I have off work just talking. We'll sit out on the porch, have a glass of wine or two, and talk about whatever comes up. Lately, what's been coming up is our need to be more spiritual. We spoke at some length about the Amish and the appeal of their community. We talked about why there's so much appeal in that sort of lifestyle for us. And through the course of all that, a few things came into my mind.

Modesty is important, isn't it?

It's part of what separates a spiritual person from your average, everyday sheeple. Being modest shows respect to yourself, to your HOH, and to the Creator. It shows that you value the sacredness of those relationships.

I came to realize that, while I'm not trashy in dress and appearance by any means, I could be doing better. And something moved in me to do better because of it. I spun it around in my head for a day or two, and finally brought it up to HOH: I want to start covering my head.

Why?

To show my submissiveness. To show modesty. To feel more feminine. He took in my answers and said he had no problem getting behind it, and my journey took a new turn. We ended up at Walmart in the crafts section, and I picked out a couple different fabrics I liked to turn into head coverings. I also got a nice blue flowered bandana that I thought would do the trick. At home, I did a bunch of research and started making a couple of covers for myself.

Once I put it on, I had this feeling come over me. It felt right...like this was a part of something I'd been missing out on. It's only been a week, but that feeling hasn't gone away. I'm fully aware that it will not, because he and I have in some ways stumbled across a Truth in it. Modesty has its place in our life. Head covering is a way to show that.

Within another day or two, I felt pulled toward looking even more feminine. I had an urge to go through my closet and throw out every pair of slacks I own. Of course, I didn't do that...because I've only a couple skirts and one or two dresses to wear, period. That wouldn't leave much for my daily life at all. But when the opportunity arose to hit up the local Goodwill, we went, and I walked out with three nice floor-length skirts.

Am I saying this sort of thing is for everyone? No, not necessarily...but it could be, and perhaps it should be, too. I'll get to the reasons why I think it can and should be in a future post.

Overawed, As Usual...

God, it's such a wonder to me, sometimes. Still. I'm feeling totally shitty from Aunt Flo making an appearance in town (started yesterday, but really got going last night), bleeding everywhere, worrying whether these tiny little pads are going to cut it. I've been on the computer downloading books for the last while. I figure to take advantage of reading material before we end up in the car.

The lavender scented candle I lit-- just for the smell of it-- is doing its magic and relaxing me. If only I could take it and my sore, achy self to the big tub and have a soak. Ah well. There'll be time for that next week, when doing so won't make my erstwhile relaxation look like a Carrie rerun.

I look back, and K's sleeping on the blowup bed. We lately moved into the master bedroom, as his mom's finally moved all her stuff out of there. It's nice to have our own bathroom. It's nicer to have that HUGE tub for soaking and a rain shower if we want it. We have a lot more stuff than we ought to, and last night Kenny talked about "cutting down"...which frankly makes me anxious. It's just things, right? Who cares about things? But still, there's that anxiety. I don't want to live in the car. I want a home. But I'll do it anyways, and I won't voice a single complaint. Because I love him.

I look back, and I see him sleeping there. Completely undignified, mouth open a bit, breathing loud enough, but not so loud that it could be considered snoring. His hair's a mess-- predictably-- and he's about a week overdue on a shave. All the same...

I look back, and I get this RUSH of sensation. My breath catches. My throat and chest tighten. Tears prick in the back of my eyes. At the same time, I feel that overwhelming something, making all those little signs by themselves mean...just about the opposite of what they look like on the surface.

It's love, pure and unadulterated. And I think to myself, like I have a million times before, "How the hell did I get so lucky?" Closely following that is a murmured tickle in the back of my mind: "...god, he's so gorgeous."

I thought with some time that this sort of emotional response in me would settle down into something more...sedate. It still hasn't. I wonder, will it ever? Every time I look at him, I become so overawed by...us, by everything. Yeah, the sex has slowed down a bit. We're not teenagers, I guess; humping like bunnies isn't quite so important as "I'm exhausted from sleeping on the floor a month" or "Just not feeling so well today". But the thing that hasn't left is the desire. It's there all the time, lurking away under the surface of me.

I'd do anything. Anything he wanted. Now, surely, but for always, too.

Yesterday, he pinned me to the door and tickled me mercilessly. I protested, gasping for air and laughing all at the same time. I always protest; I can't not, it's just a natural reaction from me. He leaned in and laughed a bit. "What's the trouble? You like being dominated..." It wasn't a question; it was a statement of fact. 

Hahaha yes, yes I surely do. That little pulse in my neck, pounding away erratically. The feel of whiskers against my cheek, scratching my sensitive skin all red and tender. Hot breath on my neck, accompanied by the sound of his exhalations. The sheer force of his presence looming over me. It's thrilling, pulse-pounding, deep down, and at the same time I feel utterly safe.

I realized, I think, at that point, that this is what I need more of. Maybe I just realized it now. Maybe I haven't thought about it much at all.

He doesn't need to dominate me, see. I go willing like a lamb to the slaughter. ...if a lamb could be tickled to death, of course. Then, I would be just such. At the same time, I suppose I need it, just like I tease and taunt him about his weak little love-slaps. Or any of the other things I do-- like the smarty-mouth lipping comments I tend to make. It's all teases and taunts; maybe I'll get a rise out of him and deserve a good, sound thwap?

...more importantly, would doing so give me more of what I want and need? Can't say as I know the answer to that one. Going to have to give it a bit more thought. Hmmn.

Ten Commandments (How to Fulfill a Submissive Woman)

I found this post through a random search over google and thought it was interesting enough to share. I don't know if the person I got it from swiped it from somewhere else or if it's there's, but I'll throw a little link in there so I'm not plagiarizing anyone. If they're plagiarizing, that's great for them, but I won't do it.

And here we go!

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Ten Commandments (How to Fulfill a Submissive Woman)

1. THOU SHALT PAY ATTENTION TO THE DETAILS OF HER DESIRE: Find and touch her personal, "pleasure points." A sub's Emotional and Physical pleasure points are chinks in her "armor" that allow her to receive erotic pleasure and fulfillment. 

2. THOU SHALT STIMULATE HER SENSES: Looking good is never bad. But women are less visual than Men, so it's vital that you speak to all her senses. Say arousing things, be clean, smell and taste pleasant and remember she is sensitive to touch. Explore the sensual paradise of her body. 

3. THOU SHALT COMPLIMENT HER MEANINGFULLY AND OFTEN: Compliment her body, and she'll be more likely to want to share it with you. Respect her mind, and she'll give you the key to unlock her desires...Just because you've told her you love her once, doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her again--and again. 

4. THOU SHALT ENCOURAGE HER TO SHOW AND TELL WHAT PLEASES HER: Reassure her that it's okay for her to tell you what turns her on. Tell her to masturbate for you and watch her carefully, not just for your own pleasure, but to see how she likes to be touched. 

5. THOU SHALT LISTEN TO HER THOUGHTS: Learn about who she is, what she's been through, in her life, what she needs and what she desires. Talk to her, but most of all, listen to her, and she'll never stop sharing herself with you. Discover the little girl inside your sub. Play with her, and she'll never grow old. 

6. THOU SHALT MAKE HER LAUGH: Amuse your sub, be a fool for love. Laughter is a mental orgasm. If her Master can make her laugh, her soul will be revealed and her mind/body will belong to Him. 

7. THOU SHALT GIVE HER REWARDS AND GIFTS: Every woman since the dawn of time has responded to a gift as if it were an erotic act. Reward her when she is "good" and surprise her at random times. The specific "gift" is not important, it could be emerald earrings, sexy lingerie, a flower plucked from a field, or your emotional support in a crisis. It is the "giving" that will win her heart and soul. 

8. THOU SHALT RADIATE CONFIDENCE AND SENSITIVITY: Master's confidence makes her feel secure. His strength excites her. His sensitivity makes him accessible, warm and lovable. Demonstrate and talk about your feelings. 

9. THOU SHALT UNDERSTAND AND ENJOY FOREPLAY: The key part of foreplay is "play." Be patient and sensual. Tease her mind and body. Learn to kiss, lick, and touch every part of her and allow sufficient time for her to enjoy her pleasure and reach that bliss that she seeks. 

10. THOU SHALT EXPLORE HER DREAMS AND ENCOURAGE HER: Listen and help her to explore and understand her dreams, hopes, and ambitions. Guide and encourage her efforts to achieve her goals. Talk about and explore her sexual fantasies and help her to realize them.

Submission vs. Religion

One of the things I've griped about to K on a regular basis is dealing with labels. The inconsistencies and misinformation about just what submission is was one of the reasons I decided to make this blog in the first place. I've spent plenty of time on here already writing about why submission doesn't automatically mean BDSM, but now I want to go another route: religion.

I've been doing research on submission for years. Even as a teenager, I realized this innate need to be submissive, which sparked hours upon hours of fruitless searching for others like me. The best place to research, of course, is the internet, but simply Googling "submission" or "submissive" is bound to give an absolutely massive list of things I'm not looking for. One of those, of course, is religion.

I'm a firm believer in Natural Order. While I am very spiritual, not all of my beliefs line up precisely with biblical teachings, and it's for that reason I shy away from any sites proclaiming submission due to God's will. It doesn't take rocket science for me to understand that it IS, in fact, God's will for a woman to defer to her husband. I just personally don't feel that I need the bible to tell me that, nor half a hundred fundamentalist Christian ladies to tell the same.

I've spent some time talking about Natural Order before. For those that can't be bothered to read, I'll give my interpretation of it. God created the universe, and with it came all those tricksy little rules we call scientific Laws. Try for a moment to go against the Law of Gravity, and see what happens. The Laws of Motion...no one can get out of those. The list, in fact, is simply staggering: our entire universe is governed by all these laws, and there's nothing anyone can do to change them. Unfortunately, there is one law that's never talked about, and that's in regard to household roles.

The reason for that, of course, is simple to find. Feminism has gone a long way toward ruining Natural Order by insisting that a woman is weak, lazy, or selfish if she desires of a Natural, traditional way of life in her relationship. The fact of the matter is simple: not EVERYONE can be a leader. For every leader, someone must follow. This is truth in every aspect of human relationships, from the workplace to the home. Why, then, are we told that it's wrong if we follow Natural Order and take a step back so our men-- generally considered natural-born leaders-- can head the household and do the leading for us?

All over the bible there are commandments or assertations that a man should be the head of the household. One quote goes like this:

Ephesians 5:22 -- Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. --KJV

The commandments here-- this scripture being the foremost quoted in favor of biblical submission-- are as plain as day. A woman is instructed to submit to her husband, and a husband is commanded to LOVE his wife as his own body. It doesn't command him to lord it over his wife, or make her feel inferior to him.

The rub lies in the translation of the word "submit". There are so many misunderstandings of the word that the actual term gets entirely lost in translation the moment it's said.

Dictionary.com defines the word submit this way:

sub·mit
[suh-b·mit] verb, -mit·ted, -mit·ting.
verb (used with object)

1.
to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2.
to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3.
to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a plan; to submit an application.
4.
to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usually followed by a clause): I submit that full proof should be required.

So submission, in essence means to yield or defer authority to another. Nowhere in this definition is there an allusion that doing so makes one less superior or less intellectual to another. Nowhere does it say that the one doing the submitting loses everything of themselves, nor does it state that the person in authority has the ultimate, final say.

Now, I promised myself that I wouldn't get too heavily into the bible as the basis for this article. Not everyone follows the bible or the teachings of Christ, and it's my determination to keep out religion as much as I can throughout this blog. It was something I had to talk about at least once or twice, however, because of the staggering number of people that follow these Natural Laws due to religious convictions.

I went ahead and did a bit of research on men versus women in the role of natural-born leadership capabilities, and while there's plenty on the subject itself, I found a post by a lady on some random forum that sums it up perfectly. 

 

Are men really more intelligent than women? Why have men been made natural leaders? Why do we always rely on them to make vital decisions?

Well let’s start by analyzing the differences between the two sexes. Women and men aren’t the opposite of one another but on the contrary they complement each other: this means that one isn’t superior to the other when abilities are involved. If men are physically stronger, women are emotionally stronger; sometimes the strong will of women have made them able to go through tougher physical pains and struggles such as delivery and menstrual pain. What man could ever bear the pain of giving birth to a baby? Sounds strange but someone could say that all in all men aren’t as strong as they claim but that women, maternal instinct combined with the love for their loved ones, are better survival in tough times. But even at this point men are still made leaders in every department worldwide. The society has been patriarchal as long as we can remember and the justification has always been the hierarchy inspired by God to men in the Bible. However there are some societies where religions like Islam, Judaism and Christianity are unknown but yet the man is still the head of the home. Why?

The answer is more simple than it seems. Naturally men are instinctive: this means they are physical just like most of their needs. Like wild animals (no offense meant) their main preoccupations are to protect their lives and those of their loved ones and provide them with everything they need to be safe. That’s what we call “Survival Instinct”. Since their role is to protect lives, they have developed the ability to think faster (not necessarily deeper) than women, as it can take less than a second for a life to be broken. They might be insensitive to internal suffering but they sure perceive any type of threat to their safety. This said, we can understand why men are natural leaders but we still haven’t answered another important question: are they really more intelligent?

Being instinctive means thinking primarily of our needs, thus putting ourselves before any other thing. If we think just a moment of those people we repute to be intelligent we’d see they are those who somehow always do all they can to get what they want. Not just anything but the one which requires less time. Normally we say these individuals are smart because they know the easiest and fastest way to success, well men are just like that. Used to think fast when problems arise they give the impression of being smarter but they are simply instinctive because if we should consider every aspect of the decisions they make we’d see that only the antecedent has been considered and not the consequence. Whatever will be, will be. Women on the other hand, being more emotional, are likely to put themselves in other people’s shoes so they always reflect on what can happen if they should act this way rather than that way. This makes them quite slow in decisions making, but that doesn’t make them less capable: in fact they are accurate observers and analyzers.

Knowing this defect of ours of taking too much time to make a decision, we often let the men make those that are required immediately: finance; while we keep the others which concern a farther future to ourselves: getting married, creating a family; long term decisions to be precise.

After this brief but attentive breakdown of the differences between men and women, we can conclude by saying that both sexes are intelligent: men are fast thinkers, while women are attentive observers. However if the latter never think of possible reactions to their actions, the former also take too much time to act. All in all, they are on the same level. One can’t be without the other. The man would go on creating one disaster after the other, while the woman would get old thinking of what move she should make.

Ending: oh, yes! We sure complement each other!

--michelin89, taken from http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-143533.0.html

As can be seen through the course of this segment, there's absolutely no need to point toward religion as the only reason for natural dominance or submission. It's a simple biological fact that men are hard-wired toward supporting, providing, and protecting, while women are wired for loving, caring, and nurturing. Going against that grain is simply going against Natural Order.

Now, I'm not saying that these traits are 100% true across the board. This isn't about absolutes where it concerns personalities. I've met many strong women, and many nurturing men. That doesn't mean, however, that a strong woman MUST be dominant in order to be fulfilled, nor does it mean that a nurturing, loving man must be submissive because that's just their nature. Their true nature is to follow what Natural Law dictates, because none of these traits are mutually exclusive. One doesn't have to ONLY be strong and dominant at the same time; one doesn't have to ONLY be nurturing and submissive at the same time.

The fact of the matter is simply this: religion did not CREATE Natural Laws. They are only reinforcing the Absolute Truth of the matter. Therefore, there's very little need to bring religion into it at all.

Q&A

Recently, on one of the boards I frequent, I got a message from one of the members, asking for advice from me in desiring to live in a surrendered and submissive relationship. While I don't think I'm the authority-- by any means!-- on the subject, I answered her to the best of my understanding and as clearly as I could manage it.  

While she affirmed that she was naturally submissive, she had questions over how to manage disagreements in the relationship. Here is my answer:

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It's a pleasure for me to try and answer you, although I don't know that any of it will be satisfactory. I'll give it my best go from the standpoint of my own relationship; hopefully it'll be some help to you! I think the easiest way, probably, is to just tackle questions from the top of them and work my way down.

Daily disagreements, with us, are non-existent, so this is generally not an issue, ever. HOH and I never argue, truth be told. However, my recommendation, if you would care to look into surrendering your relationship and letting your man be the man of the house, is this: think about all those little disagreements, and decide whether they are truly worth the happiness in your home just so that you can be "right". The fact of the matter is that all the tiny arguments that go on in relationships are the ones that punch holes in them and lead to discontent.

Arguing over whether the toilet paper goes over the top or hangs down the bottom, etc., is truly not so important as lasting happiness in the home, if you take my meaning.

Serious disagreements, of course, are a totally different matter. As I've written pretty much everywhere, a truly dominant man does not really want someone that simply "yes sir!"s him. Your opinion should still have value, and he should naturally consider it before any decision-making he does. A pretender would naturally ONLY consider your opinion if it fell in line with his. A pretender would CONTINUE to do things his way, even knowing full well that he is wrong.

There is nothing wrong with GENTLY enlightening one's HOH. If ever mine were, in fact, wrong, I know for a fact that he would take the time out to hear my opinion, see my facts, and modify his decisions. Truthfully, though...he's never been wrong, and his intellect is so staggering that I can only nod my head along while he explains his reasonings for things.

The best thing to be careful of is that you actually TRULY KNOW your partner before you take it to the next level. For example, HOH and I agree about EVERYTHING, and that's no exaggeration. It's hard to imagine that Perfect Person, but I found mine in him. We spent literally hundreds of hours just talking, before we ever met, on subjects ranging from theology, to philosophy, to childrearing and discipline and everything in between. I knew before I ever laid eyes on him in person that he would be the one for me. Because I knew him so well, I am FULLY confident that he will do everything in his power to make the best decisions for OUR family, and that confidence has allowed myself even more to fully surrender to him.

There is so much joy in this that it's absolutely indescribable. 

As a natural submissive myself, I find great freedom in his allowing me to simply be myself. Surrendering our relationship to him has allowed me to focus on the things I feel more capable in: seeing to his needs and that of my son (who's 5) and making sure that our home is a clean, loving, and calm one for everyone. Because of the nature of our relationship and the fact that I love him so dearly, things which I-- in my previous marriage-- balked at (cleaning, sweeping, mopping, cooking dinners, etc.) are now an utter joy to me, and I know that he appreciates all the hard work I do to make our home a better, happy, and more conducive place to love in.

...and as far as the divorce thing goes, it seems to me that a tiny amount of congratulations is in order. I, too, am in much the same position, truth be told. In fact, HOH and I are both still "technically, legally" married to other people. Eventually, when the money allows for it, we'll both seek our legal divorces, but the state of the stupid piece of paper that tied me to the lazy, good-for-nothing loser I was previously engaged with simply means nothing to me, and the same way for him. I do consider ourselves married as only truly married people are, and I trust him with my literal life in all things.

Laura Doyle-- writer of the (in?)famous The Surrendered Wife-- would have you believe that the only way to true and lasting happiness in your marriage relationship is to lose everything of yourself and simply do WHATEVER he wants. I do want you to know that's not the case. Just be sure you and your man mesh up on all the Important Topics (such as those I talked about above), especially in standards of morality and theology, and you won't go wrong. Also...don't forget to tell your SO that this is what you want. Men, of course, are not mind-readers, any more than we are. Being submissive and surrendered does NOT mean losing your mind, thoughts, and intellect to your man. It means giving over your trust to him in everything.

If you don't feel that you have Perfect Trust for your SO, you may want to think long and hard before you get into something like this. Trust is THE number one rule for living surrendered and submissively, and without it, nothing else will fall in place, either.

Surrendering.

I have never read the book (where the term "surrendered" comes from), but it doesn't take rocket science to realize when one has found a kindred spirit, or that I don't find some value in the concept.

I have always been submissive by nature, but only recently did I find a man worthy enough to surrender myself to. It has been The Most Joyous thing that's ever happened to me. There's so much freedom in being allowed to be myself and to give in to him. I'm like a sapling, bending against the force of the wind. I'm a planet, and he is my sun. I can't help but find myself drawn to him and revolving around him. It feels so natural, so perfect, so right.

He never expects me to not have a mind of my own, although I do naturally demure to him. I am not a doormat, weak-willed, lazy, or lacking in intelligence. He loves me for my whole, and doesn't pick me apart to decide how I should behave. He understands that I find words of love far more difficult to express than doing so through my actions, and he's alright with that because it's simply a part of me. When I need correction, he will be there to help me. When I feel overemotional and clingy, he'll never push me away.

I finally feel free to be myself, for the first time in my life.

Far More Than Just Sex.

One of the things I've always had a hard time about when it comes to submissiveness is the fact that no matter where I go, it always seems to be people thinking of it in a sexual aspect. Even here on EP, nearly every group I find regarding being submissive or surrendered boils down to one thing: the sex. It's all about the D/s relationship, what you do in the bedroom, and how you serve him. It always revolves around the sex, and it's almost impossible for me to find a group that finds it to be far more than just that.

Submissiveness, in my eyes, is about one thing, and it's not sex.

It's about trust. To be submissive, you must have absolute trust in your partner. You trust him to love you, to take care of your needs, to protect you. Yes, you trust that he'll understand your needs in the bedroom, but it's not the end-all, be-all of a natural dominant-submissive relationship. To be submissive and to surrender is a joy. It's not something that should be required of you.

Your dominant mate should see and understand the value of your submission to him. It shouldn't just be about his desire to be powerful, or to hold your reins. He should consider himself truly privileged that YOU are the one to lay yourself down before him and submit your entire being to him.

It's a true sign of love if this is the way your relationship works.

Not Just For the Bedroom!

I don't consider my relationship that of a lifestyle. My HOH and I don't have "sessions" where we enact sexual things and go about our day acting like the average "vanilla" couple otherwise. Our relationship is free-flowing, unstrained, and absolutely natural. I am a natural submissive by heart and my deepest desire is to always please my husband. There is no need to spank me because I ALWAYS defer to him, no matter what. Yes, I do cheek him on occasion, but he likes that. I do it intentionally because I know he likes it. Not that he needs a reason to, but it gives him another opportunity to dominate me.

The act of domination doesn't have to be painful, although perhaps some might feel that it's necessary. I know factually that I do not need it, and not only that, but it would be detrimental to our relationship and strain the trust I have for him. When my HOH dominates me, it always results in laughter, his and mine both. My body is extremely sensitive and his desired way of dominating so is through tickling. In only moments, I'm completely at his mercy, laughing and gasping for breath. Often he tells me I'm not allowed to struggle, and I must take his "punishment". Usually in this case I'm cheeky again, because I know that in doing so he'll become even more aggressive toward me.

Even still, he need not even touch me to dominate me. A simple smoldering look is enough to stop me in my tracks and set my pulse to racing. And believe me, my HOH is FULL of those kinds of looks! It's immensely gratifying to know that they're ALL for me.

I don't see any need for real pain in a relationship. A swat on the ass in passing or pulling hair in the bedroom is one thing, but real, true pain? I don't find it necessary, and neither does he. If my HOH made me cry for any reason, I know for a fact that it would break his heart. Our relationship is one full of love and laughter, and his desire is to keep me laughing above all else. Without that joy, what sense is there in living at all?

We don't have to fear about keeping the nature of our relationship a secret from my five year old son because the simple fact is, there's nothing to hide! I don't have to worry about my child's reaction, or try and keep things hidden from eyes that should not see it. All he is able to see is love and laughter and lots of huggies and kissies. It's the kind of atmosphere that all children should be raised in, and I know that it's inspired a great deal of confidence in him at his young age.

While I understand that some people enjoy "the lifestyle", this is not the way we choose to do things. I love our natural, traditional, male-led and dominated household. It sets a good precedent not only for me as his submissive, loving, attentive wife, but also as a role-model to my son, who will learn through example how to be a real man.

Submissive Doesn't Mean...

...I'm into BDSM and the sexual fetish lifestyle revolving around being submissive or surrendered. I don't wear a collar, receive spankings when I do "wrong", I'm not a "slave" to my "master", I don't prefer to be a doormat. I'm no masochist, though a swat on the ass in play on the way by once in awhile doesn't bother me. Being submissive doesn't mean that I have fluff between my ears, or that I will just shut my mouth and do what I'm told. And no, if I speak up and say my mind, you may NOT put a ball gag in there.

I'm sure I've ranted about this before on another similar experience group, but submissiveness isn't all about the sex. It's about communication, love, respect, and deep trust. That's not just from the perspective of the submissive, either. The door MUST swing both ways for a dominant/submissive relationship to work. The submissive needs their dominant mate to be strong, to provide for them, to help them feel secure, safe, and comfortable as they are. The dominant must always be kind, caring, gentle, and considerate of his mate's needs, and his top priority should be to see to it that these needs are met.

I've been submissive my entire life. I was a quiet, shy, ultra-serious, and very reserved child. I was also very naive, and my submissive nature and the way I was raised contributed heavily to me putting myself into a very bad, very abusive relationship. Fact of the matter is, I didn't know how to simply say no, so I just went along with things I felt a little squicky about. By the time I fully realized my position, I felt there was no way out, and therefore I was stuck for seven long, lonely, and scary years. I finally managed to break away, although it was extremely difficult for me. Doing so likely saved my life.

I found myself suddenly single and pregnant, with almost no support in my life. I was scared to death of being alone and single forever. So when the opportunity came to get together with an old High School boyfriend, I leapt at it, much to my detriment. I had second thoughts leading up to and all through our wedding. I didn't really want him to touch me. I grit my teeth and bore his attempts at sex. I stayed home while he went to work, but the only time I was truly happy was when he was gone. I ended up discovering a lot of truths about my husband, among them many lies and the fact that he thought marriage was for free housekeeping and free sex whenever he wanted it. After three years, I ended it and moved across the country, with the desire to put as much space between me and him as possible.

I learned a lot from that marriage, truth be told. I learned what I really needed out of a man. My ex is one of those guys that's so eager to please that he has no mind of his own. What do you want for dinner? Whatever you want. What movie would you like to see? I don't care, whichever one you like. The list goes on and on. As it turns out, my ex was submissive himself, and that was the sticking point and one of the largest reasons why our marriage failed. It taught me that I need a truly dominant man, one that holds to traditional values. Someone I had things in common with, that would listen and actively engage my mind in conversation and matters of intellect.

In moving across the country, I ended up finding just who I was looking for, and I'm ever so glad for all the mistakes I've made. If I hadn't made them, they never would've led me here.

Dominant Doesn't Mean Domineering

Dom·i·nant
(adjective)
1.ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence: dominant in the chain of command.
2.occupying or being in a commanding or elevated position.
3.predominant; main; major; chief: Corn is the dominant crop of Iowa.

dom·i·neer·ing
(adjective)
inclined to rule arbitrarily or despotically; overbearing; tyrannical: domineering parents.

A truly dominant man would never actively seek to hurt his partner. His role as dominant is that of protector, so it would go against the entire nature of the dynamic for him to be abusive or domineering. He is there to guide, to raise up his submissive partner, and in doing so it's guaranteed that she will feel safe, loved, and protected. His role is to have authority, to show the way in the relationship for its betterment.

I once saw someone try to argue that she wouldn't allow her husband to be dominant in their relationship because if jobs came up, he would always choose his job over hers, even going so far as to move across the country to seek different employment.

A truly dominant man wouldn't choose his job over hers simply because HE is the MAN. He would do so because his job is the one that earns more money (in the case of those with two-job households), and if it didn't, it would be selfish of him to seek his own desires over the needs of his family. This is not being dominant. It is being domineering, selfish, and pigheaded.

There is a fine line between dominance and domineering that many men struggle with. It all comes down to trust. A truly dominant man is worthy of wholehearted respect, love, admiration, and trust. Nowhere does fear need enter the picture, as would an overbearing, tyrannical, domineering male figure.

The bible said simply this: "A house divided against itself cannot stand." If people don't realize what this means, I have the answer. What it means is that there must be some sort of structure and levels of authority in all aspects of life, including in the home. Two people cannot be the leaders and rulers over the household, because the power struggle caused by it will undoubtedly end in the destruction of the relationship. It is completely natural for one person to take the lead role over others, and throughout the course of history, it has always been the man's place to do this.

Today, it's a different story altogether. The rise of feminism has given us many bad ideals. Among them is the idea that men are worthless and useless, because women can do anything they can. It successfully (in most cases) gave the pants to the women and emasculated men to the point where they're not even allowed to say "I think..." anymore for fear that they will be labeled sexist. It's a complete role reversal with bad consequences, and it's against the very nature of man and woman.