In Defense of Godly Submission

This is my response on a forum in relation to the topic of Godly / Biblical Submission. This is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I consider it to be one of the most important things that is lacking in most relationships in this day and age. I truly feel that more women would be happier in their marriages if they would just give in to God...and submit to their worthy husbands.

And so, I wrote the below:

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I have written on the topic of submission so many times now that I don't even know where to begin! lol

I'm a very firm believer in Godly headship, and that women are to submit to their husband's authority. The husband, in turn, must answer to Christ and ultimately God for the health, safety, and well-being of his family-- not only spiritually, but also physically, mentally, and emotionally as well. A man who is abusive or uses Godly submission as an excuse to trod upon his wife IS NOT DESERVING OF HEADSHIP.

IMO, the key to being able to submit to Godly authority-- and therefore to your husband-- means having a husband WORTHY of submitting to!

A Godly man that does his best to be all that he has to be to ensure the happiness and safety of his family. He works hard, takes care of his children, leads his family spiritually. He is a strong man and therefore he makes it easier for a Godly woman to submit to him.

Much like any company or institution, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE PERSON IN ULTIMATE AUTHORITY. There is a President and a Vice-President, but the President is always the higher authority, the end-all, be-all of decision-making.

No business can be run when every moment is a power-struggle, when every executive decision made is constantly questioned and nitpicked and second-guessed. All this sort of behavior will do is start to make the President second-guess his every move...and eventually he won't want to make a decision at all, his self-confidence being completely shattered because no one is confident IN him.

Does that mean that the President does not ever CONSULT his VP? No, of course not. They should have calm, rational discussions on a day-to-day basis regarding the runnings of the business. They should not let their wants and emotions get in the way of reaching a decision, but do what is best for the entire company.

Ephesians 5:25-33

King James Version (KJV)

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
²⁶ That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
²⁷ That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
²⁸ So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
²⁹ For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
³⁰ For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
³¹ For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
³² This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
³³ Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

The bible does not tell husbands to SUBJUGATE their wives, nor does it say that wives must tolerate abusive, controlling behaviors. It does not say that men must schedule out every waking moment of their wife's life.

The bible COMMANDS men to love their wives as their own body! So clearly, they would be going against God's expressed commands if they were to abuse the trust their submissive wife has placed in them!

I do have a mind. I have thoughts and opinions. I have beliefs. And I can and DO express all those things to my husband-- who IS my Head of Household. And you know what? Because he is worthy of my submission, he listens to every word I say and takes my counsel into account before he goes and makes huge decisions that will effect our relationship or our entire family.

Does he tell me what I should wear every day? What we should eat? How I should do my hair (or in my case, mandate that I cover)? What we should buy at the store? ...and on and on and on? Heck, no! He trusts me enough to know that I am perfectly capable of presenting myself as a good, wholesome, modest, feminine woman. He trusts me enough to know that as his wife, companion, and household steward, that I know more about running the house and other things of importance than he does! And when/if I'm unable to perform my role as a homemaker (such as if I'm ill, or like now, when I'm unfortunately working and he's laid off)...well, he just asks me how I think he should do it!

A real man would never be afraid to ask his woman how to do anything. As the Head of the Household, it is his responsibility to ensure that he knows ALL the functions of the house, his own responsibilities as well as mine.

I think the rub lies in what people think "SUBMISSIVE" actually means. It's been so twisted and distorted and given such a negative connotation that there is always this massive knee-jerk reaction whenever the word is even casually mentioned. You can thank (or rather, blame) feminism for that one.

Through searching the scriptures for the actual TRUTH, people can come to learn what REAL submission means and how they should live their lives in a God-fearing manner.

What is Being a Submissive Wife?

I wrote the forthcoming little snippet on the 11th of January of this year in one of my mom's groups and just happened to stumble across it by accident. Once I reread back over it and realized that it needs to be re-posted somewhere where it can get more exposure.

Some of these things have changed-- especially in the realm of my staying at home, because I now work-- but it's still pertinent and I've left it in its entirety without changing anything.

So here goes!

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To me, being a woman submitting to one's husband is a matter of following Natural Order-- the rules of the universe given to us by our Creator to live by. Since the dawn of time, this is how it's been, and only ever changed until very recently. It makes absolutely no sense to me to live the way people do now. The constant struggle for power over the relationship and always wondering who is in charge is asinine at best. It's no wonder children are growing up nowadays not knowing what role they are to play in life!

In a sense, I do follow my HOH in a biblical way, too, although I don't do so because I'm a Christian. I'm actually not, although I do believe in Jesus Christ, his message, and God's all-encompassing love. I just firmly believe that the bible taught us that families should be ordered this way simply because it is Natural for us to do so...or, if you want to put it biblically, because God wants us to live this way. Since God is the Maker of All Things, following the biblical standards set forth is simply True, Right, and Natural, because he is the Creator of everything and therefore all Natural Laws belong to God. ...if you can follow my roundabout logic! 

My position is that if it worked so well for so long with the man being the head of the household, it oughtn't have ever been changed in the first place. 

I am a natural submissive in the realm of the classic 50s style housewife. I love to cook and clean, and especially love taking care of my man. I prefer to stay at home to do this, and he prefers it as well. Submitting is easy for me because my HOH makes it very easy for me to do: he's hardworking, extremely trustworthy, caring, loving, considerate, and strong. He always thinks of his family first before worrying about himself. His morals are unshakable, and he has not and never will give me cause to doubt him.

Trust vs. Jealousy

This is a subject that I see come up time and again on my mom's forums. A woman's DH talks to someone that they don't approve of-- be it an ex girlfriend, a female coworker, and the list goes on and on-- and upon finding out, it blows up into this HUGE fight. One of the ladies recently started a huge row and told her husband off simply because he was talking to an old high school girlfriend over Facebook and said girlfriend sent him a couple of old football articles.

Not only did she tell her husband off, she clearly thought that she would get backing for her rude and inconsiderate behavior. It seems to me that she was just as upset when other moms were telling her that she should have handled it in a different way than she was finding out about her husband talking to an old flame.

The part that I find sad about all this is that there's a simple lack of trust...almost everywhere, it seems. If this were an unusual occurrance, I wouldn't think about it too much at all. The fact of the matter is that, nowadays, women simply don't trust their men.

It's really a two way street when it comes to trust in relationships. If you show trust, your partner will be trustworthy in return. If you do not show trust, then your partner may end up feeling that there's no more need for him to be trustworthy...simply because no matter what he does, you won't trust him anyway. The degree of frustration over his ability to actually Do Anything Right will leave him disenchanted at best, and at worst drive him away.

When I read these sorts of things, it makes me ever so glad that I don't have to worry about things like this. While I do admit to jealousy on the occasion, I fully realize that this jealousy is all in my head and it isn't doing me any good. I truly have no need to be jealous of K's ex, because of one simple fact that he told me:

If he wanted her, he would still be with her. He chose ME. He's with ME. He's in MY bed every night.

I still talk to my ex, on the rare occasion. When I do, I try to keep it as short as possible, because it's a part of my life that I simply would like to get past. But he remains on my Facebook profile as a friend-- for a variety of reasons, among them so that I can get ahold of him easier when the time comes for me to file papers-- and, shock and amazement! K doesn't ever get distrustful of me. He has absolutely no jealousy or resentment of what came before. I know this for a fact because, if he did, he would talk to me and tell me!

I'm secure enough in my relationship to know that much. Without genuine communication, nothing's left but that a sense of mistrust and apprehension, which are left to grow and fester until it drives a wedge into the relationship. It doesn't matter if these negative emotions are real or imagined: by nursing them and not letting them out, you make them as real as if they actually were.

Why should K be mistrustful of my previous relationships, really? We both know that my marriage to my ex was...shall we say, less than satisfactory? I wasn't happy at all, through the entire duration of the marriage to my ex, and now that I'm well away from him and with K, I am. I, in turn, know that K's former relationship was just as bad for him, and that being with me is what makes him happy. I still can't fathom that fact sometimes, but yet...there it is. And really? If that's enough for K, it's enough for me, too.

Being confident and secure like this-- having real, genuine trust in one's partner and knowing it's returned in kind-- is one of the most amazing and fulfilling parts of being in a relationship. True trust is an apparently rare gift today, because so often women are so caught up in their own insecurities that they fail to see everywhere that their relationship's gone right. They forget about the fact that The Ex is the ex...for a reason.

Ten Commandments (How to Fulfill a Submissive Woman)

I found this post through a random search over google and thought it was interesting enough to share. I don't know if the person I got it from swiped it from somewhere else or if it's there's, but I'll throw a little link in there so I'm not plagiarizing anyone. If they're plagiarizing, that's great for them, but I won't do it.

And here we go!

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Ten Commandments (How to Fulfill a Submissive Woman)

1. THOU SHALT PAY ATTENTION TO THE DETAILS OF HER DESIRE: Find and touch her personal, "pleasure points." A sub's Emotional and Physical pleasure points are chinks in her "armor" that allow her to receive erotic pleasure and fulfillment. 

2. THOU SHALT STIMULATE HER SENSES: Looking good is never bad. But women are less visual than Men, so it's vital that you speak to all her senses. Say arousing things, be clean, smell and taste pleasant and remember she is sensitive to touch. Explore the sensual paradise of her body. 

3. THOU SHALT COMPLIMENT HER MEANINGFULLY AND OFTEN: Compliment her body, and she'll be more likely to want to share it with you. Respect her mind, and she'll give you the key to unlock her desires...Just because you've told her you love her once, doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her again--and again. 

4. THOU SHALT ENCOURAGE HER TO SHOW AND TELL WHAT PLEASES HER: Reassure her that it's okay for her to tell you what turns her on. Tell her to masturbate for you and watch her carefully, not just for your own pleasure, but to see how she likes to be touched. 

5. THOU SHALT LISTEN TO HER THOUGHTS: Learn about who she is, what she's been through, in her life, what she needs and what she desires. Talk to her, but most of all, listen to her, and she'll never stop sharing herself with you. Discover the little girl inside your sub. Play with her, and she'll never grow old. 

6. THOU SHALT MAKE HER LAUGH: Amuse your sub, be a fool for love. Laughter is a mental orgasm. If her Master can make her laugh, her soul will be revealed and her mind/body will belong to Him. 

7. THOU SHALT GIVE HER REWARDS AND GIFTS: Every woman since the dawn of time has responded to a gift as if it were an erotic act. Reward her when she is "good" and surprise her at random times. The specific "gift" is not important, it could be emerald earrings, sexy lingerie, a flower plucked from a field, or your emotional support in a crisis. It is the "giving" that will win her heart and soul. 

8. THOU SHALT RADIATE CONFIDENCE AND SENSITIVITY: Master's confidence makes her feel secure. His strength excites her. His sensitivity makes him accessible, warm and lovable. Demonstrate and talk about your feelings. 

9. THOU SHALT UNDERSTAND AND ENJOY FOREPLAY: The key part of foreplay is "play." Be patient and sensual. Tease her mind and body. Learn to kiss, lick, and touch every part of her and allow sufficient time for her to enjoy her pleasure and reach that bliss that she seeks. 

10. THOU SHALT EXPLORE HER DREAMS AND ENCOURAGE HER: Listen and help her to explore and understand her dreams, hopes, and ambitions. Guide and encourage her efforts to achieve her goals. Talk about and explore her sexual fantasies and help her to realize them.

Q&A

Recently, on one of the boards I frequent, I got a message from one of the members, asking for advice from me in desiring to live in a surrendered and submissive relationship. While I don't think I'm the authority-- by any means!-- on the subject, I answered her to the best of my understanding and as clearly as I could manage it.  

While she affirmed that she was naturally submissive, she had questions over how to manage disagreements in the relationship. Here is my answer:

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It's a pleasure for me to try and answer you, although I don't know that any of it will be satisfactory. I'll give it my best go from the standpoint of my own relationship; hopefully it'll be some help to you! I think the easiest way, probably, is to just tackle questions from the top of them and work my way down.

Daily disagreements, with us, are non-existent, so this is generally not an issue, ever. HOH and I never argue, truth be told. However, my recommendation, if you would care to look into surrendering your relationship and letting your man be the man of the house, is this: think about all those little disagreements, and decide whether they are truly worth the happiness in your home just so that you can be "right". The fact of the matter is that all the tiny arguments that go on in relationships are the ones that punch holes in them and lead to discontent.

Arguing over whether the toilet paper goes over the top or hangs down the bottom, etc., is truly not so important as lasting happiness in the home, if you take my meaning.

Serious disagreements, of course, are a totally different matter. As I've written pretty much everywhere, a truly dominant man does not really want someone that simply "yes sir!"s him. Your opinion should still have value, and he should naturally consider it before any decision-making he does. A pretender would naturally ONLY consider your opinion if it fell in line with his. A pretender would CONTINUE to do things his way, even knowing full well that he is wrong.

There is nothing wrong with GENTLY enlightening one's HOH. If ever mine were, in fact, wrong, I know for a fact that he would take the time out to hear my opinion, see my facts, and modify his decisions. Truthfully, though...he's never been wrong, and his intellect is so staggering that I can only nod my head along while he explains his reasonings for things.

The best thing to be careful of is that you actually TRULY KNOW your partner before you take it to the next level. For example, HOH and I agree about EVERYTHING, and that's no exaggeration. It's hard to imagine that Perfect Person, but I found mine in him. We spent literally hundreds of hours just talking, before we ever met, on subjects ranging from theology, to philosophy, to childrearing and discipline and everything in between. I knew before I ever laid eyes on him in person that he would be the one for me. Because I knew him so well, I am FULLY confident that he will do everything in his power to make the best decisions for OUR family, and that confidence has allowed myself even more to fully surrender to him.

There is so much joy in this that it's absolutely indescribable. 

As a natural submissive myself, I find great freedom in his allowing me to simply be myself. Surrendering our relationship to him has allowed me to focus on the things I feel more capable in: seeing to his needs and that of my son (who's 5) and making sure that our home is a clean, loving, and calm one for everyone. Because of the nature of our relationship and the fact that I love him so dearly, things which I-- in my previous marriage-- balked at (cleaning, sweeping, mopping, cooking dinners, etc.) are now an utter joy to me, and I know that he appreciates all the hard work I do to make our home a better, happy, and more conducive place to love in.

...and as far as the divorce thing goes, it seems to me that a tiny amount of congratulations is in order. I, too, am in much the same position, truth be told. In fact, HOH and I are both still "technically, legally" married to other people. Eventually, when the money allows for it, we'll both seek our legal divorces, but the state of the stupid piece of paper that tied me to the lazy, good-for-nothing loser I was previously engaged with simply means nothing to me, and the same way for him. I do consider ourselves married as only truly married people are, and I trust him with my literal life in all things.

Laura Doyle-- writer of the (in?)famous The Surrendered Wife-- would have you believe that the only way to true and lasting happiness in your marriage relationship is to lose everything of yourself and simply do WHATEVER he wants. I do want you to know that's not the case. Just be sure you and your man mesh up on all the Important Topics (such as those I talked about above), especially in standards of morality and theology, and you won't go wrong. Also...don't forget to tell your SO that this is what you want. Men, of course, are not mind-readers, any more than we are. Being submissive and surrendered does NOT mean losing your mind, thoughts, and intellect to your man. It means giving over your trust to him in everything.

If you don't feel that you have Perfect Trust for your SO, you may want to think long and hard before you get into something like this. Trust is THE number one rule for living surrendered and submissively, and without it, nothing else will fall in place, either.

Far More Than Just Sex.

One of the things I've always had a hard time about when it comes to submissiveness is the fact that no matter where I go, it always seems to be people thinking of it in a sexual aspect. Even here on EP, nearly every group I find regarding being submissive or surrendered boils down to one thing: the sex. It's all about the D/s relationship, what you do in the bedroom, and how you serve him. It always revolves around the sex, and it's almost impossible for me to find a group that finds it to be far more than just that.

Submissiveness, in my eyes, is about one thing, and it's not sex.

It's about trust. To be submissive, you must have absolute trust in your partner. You trust him to love you, to take care of your needs, to protect you. Yes, you trust that he'll understand your needs in the bedroom, but it's not the end-all, be-all of a natural dominant-submissive relationship. To be submissive and to surrender is a joy. It's not something that should be required of you.

Your dominant mate should see and understand the value of your submission to him. It shouldn't just be about his desire to be powerful, or to hold your reins. He should consider himself truly privileged that YOU are the one to lay yourself down before him and submit your entire being to him.

It's a true sign of love if this is the way your relationship works.

Not Just For the Bedroom!

I don't consider my relationship that of a lifestyle. My HOH and I don't have "sessions" where we enact sexual things and go about our day acting like the average "vanilla" couple otherwise. Our relationship is free-flowing, unstrained, and absolutely natural. I am a natural submissive by heart and my deepest desire is to always please my husband. There is no need to spank me because I ALWAYS defer to him, no matter what. Yes, I do cheek him on occasion, but he likes that. I do it intentionally because I know he likes it. Not that he needs a reason to, but it gives him another opportunity to dominate me.

The act of domination doesn't have to be painful, although perhaps some might feel that it's necessary. I know factually that I do not need it, and not only that, but it would be detrimental to our relationship and strain the trust I have for him. When my HOH dominates me, it always results in laughter, his and mine both. My body is extremely sensitive and his desired way of dominating so is through tickling. In only moments, I'm completely at his mercy, laughing and gasping for breath. Often he tells me I'm not allowed to struggle, and I must take his "punishment". Usually in this case I'm cheeky again, because I know that in doing so he'll become even more aggressive toward me.

Even still, he need not even touch me to dominate me. A simple smoldering look is enough to stop me in my tracks and set my pulse to racing. And believe me, my HOH is FULL of those kinds of looks! It's immensely gratifying to know that they're ALL for me.

I don't see any need for real pain in a relationship. A swat on the ass in passing or pulling hair in the bedroom is one thing, but real, true pain? I don't find it necessary, and neither does he. If my HOH made me cry for any reason, I know for a fact that it would break his heart. Our relationship is one full of love and laughter, and his desire is to keep me laughing above all else. Without that joy, what sense is there in living at all?

We don't have to fear about keeping the nature of our relationship a secret from my five year old son because the simple fact is, there's nothing to hide! I don't have to worry about my child's reaction, or try and keep things hidden from eyes that should not see it. All he is able to see is love and laughter and lots of huggies and kissies. It's the kind of atmosphere that all children should be raised in, and I know that it's inspired a great deal of confidence in him at his young age.

While I understand that some people enjoy "the lifestyle", this is not the way we choose to do things. I love our natural, traditional, male-led and dominated household. It sets a good precedent not only for me as his submissive, loving, attentive wife, but also as a role-model to my son, who will learn through example how to be a real man.

Submissive Doesn't Mean...

...I'm into BDSM and the sexual fetish lifestyle revolving around being submissive or surrendered. I don't wear a collar, receive spankings when I do "wrong", I'm not a "slave" to my "master", I don't prefer to be a doormat. I'm no masochist, though a swat on the ass in play on the way by once in awhile doesn't bother me. Being submissive doesn't mean that I have fluff between my ears, or that I will just shut my mouth and do what I'm told. And no, if I speak up and say my mind, you may NOT put a ball gag in there.

I'm sure I've ranted about this before on another similar experience group, but submissiveness isn't all about the sex. It's about communication, love, respect, and deep trust. That's not just from the perspective of the submissive, either. The door MUST swing both ways for a dominant/submissive relationship to work. The submissive needs their dominant mate to be strong, to provide for them, to help them feel secure, safe, and comfortable as they are. The dominant must always be kind, caring, gentle, and considerate of his mate's needs, and his top priority should be to see to it that these needs are met.

I've been submissive my entire life. I was a quiet, shy, ultra-serious, and very reserved child. I was also very naive, and my submissive nature and the way I was raised contributed heavily to me putting myself into a very bad, very abusive relationship. Fact of the matter is, I didn't know how to simply say no, so I just went along with things I felt a little squicky about. By the time I fully realized my position, I felt there was no way out, and therefore I was stuck for seven long, lonely, and scary years. I finally managed to break away, although it was extremely difficult for me. Doing so likely saved my life.

I found myself suddenly single and pregnant, with almost no support in my life. I was scared to death of being alone and single forever. So when the opportunity came to get together with an old High School boyfriend, I leapt at it, much to my detriment. I had second thoughts leading up to and all through our wedding. I didn't really want him to touch me. I grit my teeth and bore his attempts at sex. I stayed home while he went to work, but the only time I was truly happy was when he was gone. I ended up discovering a lot of truths about my husband, among them many lies and the fact that he thought marriage was for free housekeeping and free sex whenever he wanted it. After three years, I ended it and moved across the country, with the desire to put as much space between me and him as possible.

I learned a lot from that marriage, truth be told. I learned what I really needed out of a man. My ex is one of those guys that's so eager to please that he has no mind of his own. What do you want for dinner? Whatever you want. What movie would you like to see? I don't care, whichever one you like. The list goes on and on. As it turns out, my ex was submissive himself, and that was the sticking point and one of the largest reasons why our marriage failed. It taught me that I need a truly dominant man, one that holds to traditional values. Someone I had things in common with, that would listen and actively engage my mind in conversation and matters of intellect.

In moving across the country, I ended up finding just who I was looking for, and I'm ever so glad for all the mistakes I've made. If I hadn't made them, they never would've led me here.