31 December 2011

Two Abortion Docs Charged With Murder After 35 Late-Term Babies Found in Freezer

Two Abortion Docs Charged With Murder After 35 Late-Term Babies Found in Freezer
The investigation began in August 2010 after a botched procedure at Brigham’s Elkton clinic. An 18-year-old woman who was 21 weeks pregnant had her uterus ruptured and her bowel injured, and rather than call 911, Brigham and Riley drove her to a nearby hospital, where both were uncooperative and Brigham refused to give his name, authorities said.

A search of the clinic after the botched abortion revealed a freezer with 35 late-term fetuses inside, including one believed to have been aborted at 36 weeks, authorities said.


Brigham, 55, is charged with five counts of first-degree murder, five counts of second-degree murder and one count of conspiracy. Riley, 46, faces one count each of first- and second-degree murder and one conspiracy count. The procedure authorities say was botched resulted in the murder case against Riley and three of the 11 murder charges against Brigham, prosecutors told the Cecil Whig in Elkton, Md. The other charges against Brigham relate to four other illegal abortions he performed there, prosecutors added.

Maryland is one of 38 states with a law that allows murder charges against someone accused of killing a viable fetus. The 2005 law has so far only been used for cases in which defendants were accused of assaulting or killing pregnant women.

The botched 2010 abortion led regulators to order Brigham to stop practicing medicine in Maryland without a license, and Riley’s Maryland license was suspended. Brigham’s New Jersey license was also suspended.

According to regulators, Brigham would begin abortions in New Jersey and have his patients drive themselves to Maryland to complete the procedures, taking advantage of Maryland’s more permissive laws. Brigham was not authorized to perform abortions in New Jersey after the first trimester, and regulators called his actions manipulative and deceptive.
Aside from the obvious fact, I see several huge things wrong with this entire scenario. Firstly, where's the mandate to do no harm? These two people were obviously more concerned with not getting themselves in trouble over saving a young girl's life and making sure that she was okay. 

Last I checked, the Hippocratic Oath was something that all heathcare professionals were supposed to subscribe to. ...isn't it?

Baby at 36 weeks gestation
Let's not forget this little gem, the one that got them both charged with MURDER: thirty five late-term BABIES found in a freezer? Obviously these two criminals-- and the mothers who aborted these babies-- knew that they were doing wrong, otherwise they wouldn't have gone to such trouble in hiding this sick, disgusting act. 

If they're both being charged with murder, then clearly this is a criminal act. In fact, in my opinion, if there was some way to find out who the bearers (I refuse to say mothers in this instance) of these helpless, murdered innocent babies were, I feel that they should be charged with murder as well.

After all, it's not as though they were bound and gagged, then forcibly taken to an abortion clinic to remove their children...who by that time were almost fully developed and easily able to live unaided in the world outside the womb. They walked in there by their own power, and they ought to be punished just as much as the people who performed this atrocity for them.

I'm coming up to the point, which is this: when is the cutoff date between "abortion" and "murder"? What makes a 36 week gestation baby being aborted a murder, but a 20 week gestation one is not? Is it because a 36 week gestation baby actually LOOKS like one? 

Baby in utero at 20 weeks
...well, if that's the case, then people haven't taken a look at what one at 20 weeks looks like, because all the parts are there! Little fingers and toes, eyes, nose, and mouth, heart, lungs and brain! But no. Apparently all that doesn't make up a baby; it's just a "clump of cells", is it?

The simple fact is, folks, that ALL abortion is murder, period. 

Make your excuses for it, ladies. You're not ready for a child, you don't have the money. Your man left you when he found out he knocked you up and you don't want to have to be a single parent. Whatever the excuse, go on and make it. But this is the truth: YOU ABORT YOUR BABY, AND YOU MURDER IT.

These 35 women who willingly walked into an abortion clinic could have done the RIGHT thing if they didn't want their babies or didn't feel they could properly take care of them. They could have waited the COUPLE EXTRA WEEKS and delivered their babies safely-- without having some sick excuse for a doctor jam a scalpel into their brainstems and murder them-- then placed the children up for adoption.

People need to wake up and face reality, however difficult it might be. No one wants to admit that they're wrong. No one wants that feeling of guilt for doing something they KNOW is wrong. But Truth is absolute, isn't it? You can't just say "It's my baby, so it's my choice" then turn around and kill that same child! It's wrong on so many levels!

Wake up, people! Stop murdering your babies!

29 December 2011

The Little Things That Bring Me Joy

It's funny how being in love changes a person. I used to be one of those people that hated household chores. I did them because I had to, not because it gave me any pleasure. I never really had the satisfaction of a job well-done. 

Cooking, sweeping, mopping, dusting, vacuuming, doing the laundry...cleaning the BATHROOM?


Dishes, especially, were of great personal loathing to me.

God, I always HATED dishes. They seemed to pile up endlessly. I could never manage to keep up with them. It was impossible to get my ex to rinse off his plates and bowls, resulting in a disgusting and ugly mess inside our dishwasher. Eventually, it ended up breaking completely, and I was forced to clean all those dishes by hand, once again, fighting with the disgusting, dried-up mess on plates on a daily basis. 

All this isn't even taking into consideration the fact that I was disabled before I ever married my ex, and trying to grasp dishes with my disabled hand tends to cause me tremendous pain over time.

Succinctly, I loathed dishes and everything to do with them, and I couldn't stand my ex's inconsideration of me. He didn't care that I had to work extra hard to make the dishes clean because he was too lazy to run them under water. He didn't care that doing so was causing me a great deal of physical pain. He clearly thought that was the only thing I was good for-- cooking and cleaning up after him.

This, among many other things, led me to loathe him just as much as I did all those hated household chores. Eventually, it led to the dissolution of our marriage altogether.

And you know what? In a lot of ways, I'm glad it did, because if I hadn't gotten so thoroughly disgusted with this lazy, dirty man, I never would've gotten the nerve up to move so far away from home...where eventually I did end up meeting the one true love of my life. Thank you, God.

Things have changed with me in a complete 180 since I met K. A lot of the things I couldn't ever stand to do back then give me a tremendous amount of satisfaction and joy now.

The reason why is because I know that he appreciates everything I do for him.

I love to cook now, when I used to hate it beforehand. I never got any pleasure out of it, because the simple fact was that I knew my ex didn't appreciate me or anything I did, especially when it came to things like running the household. Doing the laundry, while not entirely pleasurable, is a lot more enjoyable to me because I know that doing it makes my HOH proud of me.

My nemesis, dishes? Oh yes. I LOVE doing the dishes now, surprisingly enough! We have a dishwasher, and lately it's been acting up. Instead of whining about how it needs to be fixed so that dishes come out spotlessly clean like they're supposed to...I decided instead that I'd start washing all the dishes old school-- by hand. It needs doing multiple times a day to be sure that a huge mess doesn't end up all over the kitchen counters, but I love doing it anyway...because now I take pride in the appearance of our home and I want things looking nice all the time. 

It doesn't even bother me that much when my hand starts hurting me, because my sense of pride and the feel of his love for me kind of just...covers it up. It's a pain worth bearing for me because of the rewards I get from it.

The biggest reason for all this is simple: I want my HOH to be proud of me. I feel like I need a sense of accomplishment, and making sure that everything is neat and in order, all nice and clean, is one way of doing that. I know for a fact that K appreciates everything I do around the house, because he tells me so regularly. It bolsters me up and makes me want to keep on keeping on, and even find new and better ways of doing things in order to keep that appreciation and sense of pride.

This is one of those things that just makes sense, and it isn't a one-way street, either. It's very nice to feel appreciated, and I love it. However, it's also very easy to forget to show appreciation for the things your partner does for YOU. You should always remember to show appreciation for your own HOH. Let him know that the little things he does for you are important to you and make you feel special-- even if it is something simple like changing the oil in the car or mowing the lawn. Those things take time, too, and are just as much a reason to appreciate him as he does for you.

Showing appreciation for each other is another way of showing love. When it's a two-way street and both partners are feeling appreciated, it makes them want to work harder, for their partner, for their family, and especially for themselves. 

Stay appreciative, and you'll find that your relationship stays strong, too!

21 November 2011

Loving the Husband More Than the Kids Is Key to Good Life

I remember asking my mom when I was little who she loved best between me and my dad. "It's a different kind of love," she told me then. But the kisses she and my dad shared in the toy aisle, their constant holding hands, and their long vacations sans kids while we stayed with the grandparents told me otherwise. She loved my dad more. And I am so happy she did.

When a family is strong, mom does prioritize the marriage over the kids. But we live in a culture where kids come first. Or, as my friend recently said, "Since when did kids move from the card table at Thanksgiving to the head of the table?" Since when, indeed.
Read the rest HERE.

16 November 2011

Bear With Me.

One of my great faults is being never satisfied. Those few people who come to this blog likely noticed this in me as I consistently and constantly keep changing the layout, look, and color scheme of the blog.

I'm pleased to say that I'm finally and generally pretty happy with how it looks now. I can't foresee changing it much for a little while aside from tiny little tweaks here and there.

Good luck to me, and thank you to those of you who have been putting up with my wishy-washiness!

15 November 2011


One of the things I noticed-- rather recently, to my chagrin-- is how I react when I feel insecure. It's not that I didn't realize it, but rather that I didn't realize what it meant. 

It's hard to admit to oneself that you are insecure to begin with, and it's something that I've suffered with a lot over the course of my life. I have always held myself to an impossible standard, something that I could never follow. I want to be always on the right side of things. I never want to be a disappointment or a failure in any aspect of my life. What I seek in myself is perfection, and of course, I ALWAYS fall short of it. No one is perfect. I know this, as does everyone else; and yet the fact remains that I still want myself to be this way...and when I'm not, I find I disappoint myself.

Of course, perfection being what it is, I find that I am constantly disappointing myself. Because of this, I have a deep-seated fear that by being a disappointment to myself that I must therefore also be a disappointment to my loved ones. There is no greater fear to me than disappointing my HOH. It literally goes well above and beyond any other fear that I might ever have, and causes a significant amount of insecurity in me.

It's a sad thing that I can easily recognize my own insecurities, and yet I feel as though I have absolutely no control over them. I understand that my need to be/seem/appear perfect in all matters is irrational at best. Yet at the same time, I cannot stop myself from thinking and feeling this way no matter how hard I try to convince myself I can. 

I constantly and consistently set myself up for disappointment, and in this one thing I never let myself down. I see the littlest disappointments internally and they by their very nature become huge and irreconcilable to me.

I suppose at the least it's a good thing that I understand this part of myself. If I didn't, I can imagine that I would spend my life moody, disappointed, and depressed and have absolutely no idea why. Usually I can spot these sort of emotional trends coming a mile away, even if I'm powerless to stop it happening.

While I do know what the cause of the bulk of my insecurities were, my largest one over all of these is even more simple: I feel that I cannot control myself and my emotions. This is a source of deep disgust and self-loathing to me, and naturally by proxy I find it hard to imagine myself a loveable person if I feel so deeply disgusted in myself. If I cannot love myself, in essence, why ought anyone else, ever? 

Coming close on the heels of that is the fact that I have a deep, undeniable need to know that I am loved, even if I hate myself on many occasions...which is where I come down to the topic at hand.

My reaction to my own self-loathing and disgust is usually tears. I get angry and frustrated at my own stupidity, for saying or doing whatever stupid thing that got me along those lines to begin with. I all at once feel the need to withdraw. I am unloveable to everyone because I do not love myself, I feel.

Yet at the same time, I always find myself turning toward my HOH. He gives me the reassurance that even if I err and do something horribly stupid, he still loves me and is happy with me. Not necessarily my actions, but my person. While I desire to retreat and turn inward, shunning contact with others, at the same time I long for emotional support and physical touch. Nothing stills me faster than being held, because the act itself tells my subconscious, "What you did or said might not be okay, but I'm okay with you." 

Because of this innate need to feel secure and loved, even when I don't feel that I deserve it, I find that the more insecure I feel, the more I long to touch, to hold and be held. Most of the time I cannot express myself. There may not be words attached with all these crazy emotions, or if there are, I may find myself too tongue-tied to get them out. But I know that I can at least express myself in this way. 

My fear in this area is, perhaps, in being found out...although I'll be found out anyhow, considering my HOH reads this. The fact of the matter is that I'm transparent as a pane of glass, and to me it's shameful that I can have just figured this out when I'm positive that he already knows this is my reaction to stress, doubt, and insecurity. 

And yet, here's the truth of the matter: I'm a woman, I'm emotional, and I'm frequently insecure, and the only cure for it is his unconditional love. My saving grace is that he understands the nature of a woman and accepts me for who I am and what I feel.

14 November 2011

Living In a Morally Defunct Society

It doesn't take a PH.D to look around today and see that something is genuinely wrong with society. There have been a variety of "controversies" that have sparked debate across the country lately, but they are just the tip of the iceberg compared to all that is wrong with the human race in today's day and age. Moral ambiguity is at an all-time high, and this is presented to me with a quote from the man who most Christians consider the ultimate authority of good versus evil in the world: the Pope.

Last year, during his Christmas sermon, Pope Benedict XVI is quoted as saying this shocking statement:

"It was maintained - even within the realm of Catholic theology - that there is no such thing as evil in itself or good in itself. There is only a 'better than' and a 'worse than'. Nothing is good or bad in itself."
This statement was included in his sermon while at the same time preaching from God's alleged pulpit that pedophilia and child pornography was considered "normal" as far back as the 1970s. It certainly does say something about the standards of morality in our world today, doesn't it?

With an organization as far-reaching as the Catholic Church taking stands such as these, it's no wonder that morality is in a free-fall across the globe! Recently, riots have rocked Pennsylvania State University over allegations that one of the former coaches engaged in sexual acts and rape of young boys from as far back as the 70s. The riots had nothing to do with the fact that this man used his position of authority to brutalize children. 

No, of course not. In today's modern society of sports worship, the student body of Penn State was more concerned in showing support for the current coach, who was told by several different people that his assistant was engaging in these practices and instead of reporting it to the police, DID NOTHING. They were more concerned over the prospect that their school might suspend college football than the fact that one of their "beloved" coaches raped preteen boys, apparently regularly, too.

And for those human beings who hold no values or moral standards today and would like to be whores on a slightly different level? We have Ashleymadison.com, a website any married person can join to find others to cheat on with! As the site's motto declares, "Life is short. Have an affair"! Indeed, who cares about the marital vows you spoke before God and witnesses, especially when you want to get your rocks off?

Over ELEVEN MILLION people are subscribed to the above site...which has been featured in media such as TIME magazine, BusinessWeek, Sports Illustrated, and Maxim, and on many television talk shows, including the Tyra Banks Show.

Is it really any wonder that child murder-- I mean, abortion rates have soared? Is it any wonder that murder, rape, and child abuse are commonplace today? Is it any wonder that nobody really cares that we're blowing up little children in the Middle East all for the sake of "democracy"? 

There are no longer moral standards nor absolute truth. Everything in life, every single event for the average human being, is having what you want, is doing what you want RIGHT NOW without regard for the consequences or whether it's right.

Is it so hard to maintain moral standards when everything around us is supersaturating us with the idea that right and wrong are "relative"? Apparently this seems to be the case. Americans (and no doubt humans the world over) are led by the nose by social standards, the media, their religious organizations, and anything else that one can think of. Most people can't be bothered to think past their warped views of right and wrong. We live in a Pavlovian society: whatever gives me pleasure or reward is right, and whatever makes me unhappy is wrong. Everything is skewed toward ideals of perception, without morals.

Our country, and yes, our WORLD as well, needs to see a reformation, a return to standards of morality in every aspect of our lives. No one would likely disagree that our world is in a terrible place today, with crimes of all kind running rampant. The part that is truly striking is that most people only care about crimes of any kind when the crime itself effects them directly. Weren't abused or molested as a child? Oh well. Just care about the poor coach and your football season. Not happy in your marriage? Oh well. Don't try and work it out through counseling, or heaven forbid, God's-honest communication! Just screw around on them! Having a baby is inconvenient right now? It's alright, just murder your child through abortion!

Until the day comes when people return to a system of absolute truth, the morally upright people of this world will continue to cringe at the above statements and many more like them, while those that commit these crimes will continue on with them, happy that the media has taught them to justify their crimes and release the burden of guilt they should have. It's a sad and disgusting truth about this world, one that all right-minded people hope to see ended one day.


Vatican Christmas Shocker! Pope says child rape isn't that bad, was normal back in his day

Survivors of sexual abuse appalled by Penn State unrest

 Ashley Madison

04 November 2011

In Response

I wrote this in reply to a topic on one of my mom's groups. I figured considering it's on this same subject as is so near and dear to my heart, that I'd post it here as well.

Here's a topic that's very close to my heart! I've stated my opinion on this at least a couple times, I'm sure, but I'm game to have a go at it again.

It's pretty plain from my sig that I do identify as a submissive wife. I mean, it's right there. I blog about it whenever I get the urge to post something regarding this topic. Like many of the other ladies, I will agree that there's a huge misconception in regards to what the term submissive actually is. In truth, it's a lot of things. There are those, like one of the mamas above, who consider it to be a part of the BDSM lifestyle. There are those who consider it to be a part of their duty as good Christian women and wives. And then...there's me, I guess.

I consider myself submissive. I follow my husband's lead in all matters. I feel that it gives me a great degree of freedom, and I feel far more free from worry than I have in my entire life, up till now. I'm happy to be a stay at home mother. I clean the house, I spend five hours a day schooling my child. I make sure the dog is out and that he's enough food and water. I get the mail in and run errands to the store and elsewhere. We cook meals together, because I know that I'm no good at grilling, which we do a lot. We put up the dishes together, and make sure that they're run through the washer. Laundry is my domain. It's not that DH can't do it...he's done it for years on his own after the dissolution of his previous marriage. Fact of the matter is, I'm MUCH better at it, and furthermore, it gives me pleasure to be good at what I do. If it's simply something like cleaning, or doing the laundry, or whatever the case may be, I get TREMENDOUS joy in knowing that in doing these things, I keep my household running smoothly and that I make my husband happy.

To me, there is no greater task in this world than seeing to the needs of my family and house. It makes me extremely happy to know that I'm doing a good job, and I'm told so by my DH all the time. Just like any person would be happy to receive praise at work for a job well done, so too do I. I LOVE to do little things for my husband: I get him his drinks, I rub his back or his feet when they hurt, I make sure that the table is always laid and ready for dinner. And you know what? He's ALWAYS appreciative of that! I am a forever-worrier; everything bothers me and makes me worry...and one of the things I worry over is whether I show him enough that I love him. I'm not incredibly verbally expressive, but he always maintains that through my actions he can easily see that I do love him...which in turn causes me to worry less about it and feel more secure.

I don't choose submissiveness because I am a weak-willed woman. It's something entirely natural and normal for me. I've been submissive by nature for my entire life, ever since I was a child. Consider it the opposite of the classic Type-A personality, if you'd like. I'm not pushy, I don't enjoy the spotlight. I don't enjoy being the one in charge. I prefer to be the person in the background, getting what needs to be done, done without any rewards or applause for it.

Yes, I do think that submissiveness is a choice. No dominant man could ever actually be allowed to be dominant if his woman refuses to submit to him. To me, giving the gift of submission to my husband is my ultimate gift to him: it shows that I hold him in tremendous esteem, that I trust him implicitly above ALL other men. I feel more comfortable with myself, far stronger and more secure, because of the nature of our relationship.

I've tried doing it both ways. In my previous marriage, I desired to be a SAHM, to raise children and mind the house. My ex was fine with having a house slave, but that's really just what he thought of our "marriage". It took me a while to realize it, but he thought that marriage was having someone to do everything for him while he worked. He thought it was all about him working, and doing nothing else, then coming home and having sex with me whether I liked it or not. He wasn't dominant at all; in fact, he demurred to me in EVERYTHING. At first I liked it. I liked being in charge and having a man give me what I want, whenever I wanted it. But after a short time, it began to wear and tear on me. I realized through observing his behavior that he's not a strong man at all. I lost all respect for him, and between that and a variety of other things, that was the beginning of the end of that marriage for me.

When I left him, I was already so disenfranchised with the "wimpy man" type (which he was in spades, video game obsession included!), that I was determined to stay single forever. It wasn't until I found Kenny that I realized that our plans can often go awry, and often for the best of reasons. Where my ex was weak, in Kenny I found a strong man, one who was opinionated and highly intelligent. Before we ever met, I KNEW he was the one for me. Being with him makes me feel like a stronger person and a more confident woman. I trust him COMPLETELY. I don't worry about him making the wrong decision for our family, because I know his mind, and his morals, and his way of thinking. We are in accord in everything in our lives, and I mean EVERYTHING. When you have this kind of confidence in your man, it makes it very easy to allow him to take charge and be the leader.

The way I see it (feel free to bash me, if you will) is that it's the "equal partnership" relationships which are harder to make work. In every aspect of nature, there is a leader and a follower. Look in business: someone must be the boss, and someone must be the employee. Look in the animal world: one must be the pack leader, and the rest followers. These sorts of examples go on and on.

It seems to me that this pattern is one of Natural Order, and it oughtn't be messed with. Someone must lead. How can two people BOTH be the leaders in a household? It would be nothing but a power struggle till the end of time, with constant arguements and fighting over who gets to be in charge, over whose ideas and decisions are the right ones.

Perhaps I'm getting a tad off track of the subject, but this is the way that I see a naturally dominant/submissive relationship. It's just a part of the Natural Order of the world. I don't need god to tell me so, because I can clearly see it evident in almost every facet of the world around me. In fact, I'd venture to say (for those of us who are religious or Christian) that since God created everything, how he would like us to interact in our own personal relationships should be as obvious as observing the world around us. For thousands-- or more-- of years, it was the man's responsibility to lead, to protect his family, and to provide for their support. It was the woman's responsibility to see to the home, to the comfort of her family, and to the raising of children. Somewhere along the line all that went awry. I just figure that, for myself and in my relationship, that we're following a time-tested and proven method that WORKS.

It might not work for everyone, but it doesn't hurt trying. After all, I can't think of many other people I know in my personal life that can claim and have it said true that they NEVER fight or even argue with their spouse. Even my own mother tried to tell me that my relationship is WRONG because I maintain that we never fight. She says that EVERYONE fights, which makes us apparently abnormal.

If that's the case, I'm glad to be in the abnormal minority.

15 October 2011

Trust vs. Jealousy

This is a subject that I see come up time and again on my mom's forums. A woman's DH talks to someone that they don't approve of-- be it an ex girlfriend, a female coworker, and the list goes on and on-- and upon finding out, it blows up into this HUGE fight. One of the ladies recently started a huge row and told her husband off simply because he was talking to an old high school girlfriend over Facebook and said girlfriend sent him a couple of old football articles.

Not only did she tell her husband off, she clearly thought that she would get backing for her rude and inconsiderate behavior. It seems to me that she was just as upset when other moms were telling her that she should have handled it in a different way than she was finding out about her husband talking to an old flame.

The part that I find sad about all this is that there's a simple lack of trust...almost everywhere, it seems. If this were an unusual occurrance, I wouldn't think about it too much at all. The fact of the matter is that, nowadays, women simply don't trust their men.

It's really a two way street when it comes to trust in relationships. If you show trust, your partner will be trustworthy in return. If you do not show trust, then your partner may end up feeling that there's no more need for him to be trustworthy...simply because no matter what he does, you won't trust him anyway. The degree of frustration over his ability to actually Do Anything Right will leave him disenchanted at best, and at worst drive him away.

When I read these sorts of things, it makes me ever so glad that I don't have to worry about things like this. While I do admit to jealousy on the occasion, I fully realize that this jealousy is all in my head and it isn't doing me any good. I truly have no need to be jealous of K's ex, because of one simple fact that he told me:

If he wanted her, he would still be with her. He chose ME. He's with ME. He's in MY bed every night.

I still talk to my ex, on the rare occasion. When I do, I try to keep it as short as possible, because it's a part of my life that I simply would like to get past. But he remains on my Facebook profile as a friend-- for a variety of reasons, among them so that I can get ahold of him easier when the time comes for me to file papers-- and, shock and amazement! K doesn't ever get distrustful of me. He has absolutely no jealousy or resentment of what came before. I know this for a fact because, if he did, he would talk to me and tell me!

I'm secure enough in my relationship to know that much. Without genuine communication, nothing's left but that a sense of mistrust and apprehension, which are left to grow and fester until it drives a wedge into the relationship. It doesn't matter if these negative emotions are real or imagined: by nursing them and not letting them out, you make them as real as if they actually were.

Why should K be mistrustful of my previous relationships, really? We both know that my marriage to my ex was...shall we say, less than satisfactory? I wasn't happy at all, through the entire duration of the marriage to my ex, and now that I'm well away from him and with K, I am. I, in turn, know that K's former relationship was just as bad for him, and that being with me is what makes him happy. I still can't fathom that fact sometimes, but yet...there it is. And really? If that's enough for K, it's enough for me, too.

Being confident and secure like this-- having real, genuine trust in one's partner and knowing it's returned in kind-- is one of the most amazing and fulfilling parts of being in a relationship. True trust is an apparently rare gift today, because so often women are so caught up in their own insecurities that they fail to see everywhere that their relationship's gone right. They forget about the fact that The Ex is the ex...for a reason.

07 October 2011

Domestic Violence Soon to Be Legal In Kansas

I stumbled across an article today that gave me literal goosebumps...and not in a good way. 

Due to a rising budget crisis, Topeka, KS has now decided to look at decriminalizing domestic violence, among other misdemeanors. According to them, "the Shawnee County District Attorney’s office, facing a 10% budget cut, announced that the county would no longer be prosecuting misdemeanors, including domestic violence cases, at the county level. Finding those cases suddenly dumped on the city and lacking resources of their own, the Topeka City Council is now considering repealing the part of the city code that bans domestic battery."

Here's the rub, set out in our own Declaration of Independence:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
How horrifying that doing personal harm to another person is no longer going to be a crime in Topeka...simply because the money isn't there to prosecute the offenders! Now, it appears that funding is becoming more important than the rights of citizens everywhere. You can guarantee that if this manages to pass in Topeka, it will start to pass elsewhere, too.

Goodbye life, liberty, and happiness.

05 October 2011

Overawed, As Usual...

God, it's such a wonder to me, sometimes. Still. I'm feeling totally shitty from Aunt Flo making an appearance in town (started yesterday, but really got going last night), bleeding everywhere, worrying whether these tiny little pads are going to cut it. I've been on the computer downloading books for the last while. I figure to take advantage of reading material before we end up in the car.

The lavender scented candle I lit-- just for the smell of it-- is doing its magic and relaxing me. If only I could take it and my sore, achy self to the big tub and have a soak. Ah well. There'll be time for that next week, when doing so won't make my erstwhile relaxation look like a Carrie rerun.

I look back, and K's sleeping on the blowup bed. We lately moved into the master bedroom, as his mom's finally moved all her stuff out of there. It's nice to have our own bathroom. It's nicer to have that HUGE tub for soaking and a rain shower if we want it. We have a lot more stuff than we ought to, and last night Kenny talked about "cutting down"...which frankly makes me anxious. It's just things, right? Who cares about things? But still, there's that anxiety. I don't want to live in the car. I want a home. But I'll do it anyways, and I won't voice a single complaint. Because I love him.

I look back, and I see him sleeping there. Completely undignified, mouth open a bit, breathing loud enough, but not so loud that it could be considered snoring. His hair's a mess-- predictably-- and he's about a week overdue on a shave. All the same...

I look back, and I get this RUSH of sensation. My breath catches. My throat and chest tighten. Tears prick in the back of my eyes. At the same time, I feel that overwhelming something, making all those little signs by themselves mean...just about the opposite of what they look like on the surface.

It's love, pure and unadulterated. And I think to myself, like I have a million times before, "How the hell did I get so lucky?" Closely following that is a murmured tickle in the back of my mind: "...god, he's so gorgeous."

I thought with some time that this sort of emotional response in me would settle down into something more...sedate. It still hasn't. I wonder, will it ever? Every time I look at him, I become so overawed by...us, by everything. Yeah, the sex has slowed down a bit. We're not teenagers, I guess; humping like bunnies isn't quite so important as "I'm exhausted from sleeping on the floor a month" or "Just not feeling so well today". But the thing that hasn't left is the desire. It's there all the time, lurking away under the surface of me.

I'd do anything. Anything he wanted. Now, surely, but for always, too.

Yesterday, he pinned me to the door and tickled me mercilessly. I protested, gasping for air and laughing all at the same time. I always protest; I can't not, it's just a natural reaction from me. He leaned in and laughed a bit. "What's the trouble? You like being dominated..." It wasn't a question; it was a statement of fact. 

Hahaha yes, yes I surely do. That little pulse in my neck, pounding away erratically. The feel of whiskers against my cheek, scratching my sensitive skin all red and tender. Hot breath on my neck, accompanied by the sound of his exhalations. The sheer force of his presence looming over me. It's thrilling, pulse-pounding, deep down, and at the same time I feel utterly safe.

I realized, I think, at that point, that this is what I need more of. Maybe I just realized it now. Maybe I haven't thought about it much at all.

He doesn't need to dominate me, see. I go willing like a lamb to the slaughter. ...if a lamb could be tickled to death, of course. Then, I would be just such. At the same time, I suppose I need it, just like I tease and taunt him about his weak little love-slaps. Or any of the other things I do-- like the smarty-mouth lipping comments I tend to make. It's all teases and taunts; maybe I'll get a rise out of him and deserve a good, sound thwap?

...more importantly, would doing so give me more of what I want and need? Can't say as I know the answer to that one. Going to have to give it a bit more thought. Hmmn.

04 October 2011

It's the Little Things...

There have been plenty of times I've been rendered somewhat speechless, and this morning is one of those times. Hell, I don't even really know what to say now that I'm sitting and looking at this long blank space.

I'll sum it up the easy way, because I can't come up with anything else.

I love you, Kenny. 

25 September 2011

Ten Commandments (How to Fulfill a Submissive Woman)

I found this post through a random search over google and thought it was interesting enough to share. I don't know if the person I got it from swiped it from somewhere else or if it's there's, but I'll throw a little link in there so I'm not plagiarizing anyone. If they're plagiarizing, that's great for them, but I won't do it.

And here we go!


1. THOU SHALT PAY ATTENTION TO THE DETAILS OF HER DESIRE: Find and touch her personal, "pleasure points." A sub's Emotional and Physical pleasure points are chinks in her "armor" that allow her to receive erotic pleasure and fulfillment. 

2. THOU SHALT STIMULATE HER SENSES: Looking good is never bad. But women are less visual than Men, so it's vital that you speak to all her senses. Say arousing things, be clean, smell and taste pleasant and remember she is sensitive to touch. Explore the sensual paradise of her body. 

3. THOU SHALT COMPLIMENT HER MEANINGFULLY AND OFTEN: Compliment her body, and she'll be more likely to want to share it with you. Respect her mind, and she'll give you the key to unlock her desires...Just because you've told her you love her once, doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her again--and again. 

4. THOU SHALT ENCOURAGE HER TO SHOW AND TELL WHAT PLEASES HER: Reassure her that it's okay for her to tell you what turns her on. Tell her to masturbate for you and watch her carefully, not just for your own pleasure, but to see how she likes to be touched. 

5. THOU SHALT LISTEN TO HER THOUGHTS: Learn about who she is, what she's been through, in her life, what she needs and what she desires. Talk to her, but most of all, listen to her, and she'll never stop sharing herself with you. Discover the little girl inside your sub. Play with her, and she'll never grow old. 

6. THOU SHALT MAKE HER LAUGH: Amuse your sub, be a fool for love. Laughter is a mental orgasm. If her Master can make her laugh, her soul will be revealed and her mind/body will belong to Him. 

7. THOU SHALT GIVE HER REWARDS AND GIFTS: Every woman since the dawn of time has responded to a gift as if it were an erotic act. Reward her when she is "good" and surprise her at random times. The specific "gift" is not important, it could be emerald earrings, sexy lingerie, a flower plucked from a field, or your emotional support in a crisis. It is the "giving" that will win her heart and soul. 

8. THOU SHALT RADIATE CONFIDENCE AND SENSITIVITY: Master's confidence makes her feel secure. His strength excites her. His sensitivity makes him accessible, warm and lovable. Demonstrate and talk about your feelings. 

9. THOU SHALT UNDERSTAND AND ENJOY FOREPLAY: The key part of foreplay is "play." Be patient and sensual. Tease her mind and body. Learn to kiss, lick, and touch every part of her and allow sufficient time for her to enjoy her pleasure and reach that bliss that she seeks. 

10. THOU SHALT EXPLORE HER DREAMS AND ENCOURAGE HER: Listen and help her to explore and understand her dreams, hopes, and ambitions. Guide and encourage her efforts to achieve her goals. Talk about and explore her sexual fantasies and help her to realize them.

18 September 2011

Submission vs. Religion

One of the things I've griped about to K on a regular basis is dealing with labels. The inconsistencies and misinformation about just what submission is was one of the reasons I decided to make this blog in the first place. I've spent plenty of time on here already writing about why submission doesn't automatically mean BDSM, but now I want to go another route: religion.

I've been doing research on submission for years. Even as a teenager, I realized this innate need to be submissive, which sparked hours upon hours of fruitless searching for others like me. The best place to research, of course, is the internet, but simply Googling "submission" or "submissive" is bound to give an absolutely massive list of things I'm not looking for. One of those, of course, is religion.

I'm a firm believer in Natural Order. While I am very spiritual, not all of my beliefs line up precisely with biblical teachings, and it's for that reason I shy away from any sites proclaiming submission due to God's will. It doesn't take rocket science for me to understand that it IS, in fact, God's will for a woman to defer to her husband. I just personally don't feel that I need the bible to tell me that, nor half a hundred fundamentalist Christian ladies to tell the same.

I've spent some time talking about Natural Order before. For those that can't be bothered to read, I'll give my interpretation of it. God created the universe, and with it came all those tricksy little rules we call scientific Laws. Try for a moment to go against the Law of Gravity, and see what happens. The Laws of Motion...no one can get out of those. The list, in fact, is simply staggering: our entire universe is governed by all these laws, and there's nothing anyone can do to change them. Unfortunately, there is one law that's never talked about, and that's in regard to household roles.

The reason for that, of course, is simple to find. Feminism has gone a long way toward ruining Natural Order by insisting that a woman is weak, lazy, or selfish if she desires of a Natural, traditional way of life in her relationship. The fact of the matter is simple: not EVERYONE can be a leader. For every leader, someone must follow. This is truth in every aspect of human relationships, from the workplace to the home. Why, then, are we told that it's wrong if we follow Natural Order and take a step back so our men-- generally considered natural-born leaders-- can head the household and do the leading for us?
All over the bible there are commandments or assertations that a man should be the head of the household. One quote goes like this:

Ephesians 5:22 -- Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. --KJV

The commandments here-- this scripture being the foremost quoted in favor of biblical submission-- are as plain as day. A woman is instructed to submit to her husband, and a husband is commanded to LOVE his wife as his own body. It doesn't command him to lord it over his wife, or make her feel inferior to him.

The rub lies in the translation of the word "submit". There are so many misunderstandings of the word that the actual term gets entirely lost in translation the moment it's said.

Dictionary.com defines the word submit this way:

[suh-b·mit] verb, -mit·ted, -mit·ting.
verb (used with object)

to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a plan; to submit an application.
to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usually followed by a clause): I submit that full proof should be required.

So submission, in essence means to yield or defer authority to another. Nowhere in this definition is there an allusion that doing so makes one less superior or less intellectual to another. Nowhere does it say that the one doing the submitting loses everything of themselves, nor does it state that the person in authority has the ultimate, final say.

Now, I promised myself that I wouldn't get too heavily into the bible as the basis for this article. Not everyone follows the bible or the teachings of Christ, and it's my determination to keep out religion as much as I can throughout this blog. It was something I had to talk about at least once or twice, however, because of the staggering number of people that follow these Natural Laws due to religious convictions.

I went ahead and did a bit of research on men versus women in the role of natural-born leadership capabilities, and while there's plenty on the subject itself, I found a post by a lady on some random forum that sums it up perfectly. 

Are men really more intelligent than women? Why have men been made natural leaders? Why do we always rely on them to make vital decisions?

Well let’s start by analyzing the differences between the two sexes. Women and men aren’t the opposite of one another but on the contrary they complement each other: this means that one isn’t superior to the other when abilities are involved. If men are physically stronger, women are emotionally stronger; sometimes the strong will of women have made them able to go through tougher physical pains and struggles such as delivery and menstrual pain. What man could ever bear the pain of giving birth to a baby? Sounds strange but someone could say that all in all men aren’t as strong as they claim but that women, maternal instinct combined with the love for their loved ones, are better survival in tough times. But even at this point men are still made leaders in every department worldwide. The society has been patriarchal as long as we can remember and the justification has always been the hierarchy inspired by God to men in the Bible. However there are some societies where religions like Islam, Judaism and Christianity are unknown but yet the man is still the head of the home. Why?

The answer is more simple than it seems. Naturally men are instinctive: this means they are physical just like most of their needs. Like wild animals (no offense meant) their main preoccupations are to protect their lives and those of their loved ones and provide them with everything they need to be safe. That’s what we call “Survival Instinct”. Since their role is to protect lives, they have developed the ability to think faster (not necessarily deeper) than women, as it can take less than a second for a life to be broken. They might be insensitive to internal suffering but they sure perceive any type of threat to their safety. This said, we can understand why men are natural leaders but we still haven’t answered another important question: are they really more intelligent?

Being instinctive means thinking primarily of our needs, thus putting ourselves before any other thing. If we think just a moment of those people we repute to be intelligent we’d see they are those who somehow always do all they can to get what they want. Not just anything but the one which requires less time. Normally we say these individuals are smart because they know the easiest and fastest way to success, well men are just like that. Used to think fast when problems arise they give the impression of being smarter but they are simply instinctive because if we should consider every aspect of the decisions they make we’d see that only the antecedent has been considered and not the consequence. Whatever will be, will be. Women on the other hand, being more emotional, are likely to put themselves in other people’s shoes so they always reflect on what can happen if they should act this way rather than that way. This makes them quite slow in decisions making, but that doesn’t make them less capable: in fact they are accurate observers and analyzers.

Knowing this defect of ours of taking too much time to make a decision, we often let the men make those that are required immediately: finance; while we keep the others which concern a farther future to ourselves: getting married, creating a family; long term decisions to be precise.

After this brief but attentive breakdown of the differences between men and women, we can conclude by saying that both sexes are intelligent: men are fast thinkers, while women are attentive observers. However if the latter never think of possible reactions to their actions, the former also take too much time to act. All in all, they are on the same level. One can’t be without the other. The man would go on creating one disaster after the other, while the woman would get old thinking of what move she should make.

Ending: oh, yes! We sure complement each other!

As can be seen through the course of this segment, there's absolutely no need to point toward religion as the only reason for natural dominance or submission. It's a simple biological fact that men are hard-wired toward supporting, providing, and protecting, while women are wired for loving, caring, and nurturing. Going against that grain is simply going against Natural Order.

Now, I'm not saying that these traits are 100% true across the board. This isn't about absolutes where it concerns personalities. I've met many strong women, and many nurturing men. That doesn't mean, however, that a strong woman MUST be dominant in order to be fulfilled, nor does it mean that a nurturing, loving man must be submissive because that's just their nature. Their true nature is to follow what Natural Law dictates, because none of these traits are mutually exclusive. One doesn't have to ONLY be strong and dominant at the same time; one doesn't have to ONLY be nurturing and submissive at the same time.

The fact of the matter is simply this: religion did not CREATE Natural Laws. They are only reinforcing the Absolute Truth of the matter. Therefore, there's very little need to bring religion into it at all.

17 September 2011


Recently, on one of the boards I frequent, I got a message from one of the members, asking for advice from me in desiring to live in a surrendered and submissive relationship. While I don't think I'm the authority-- by any means!-- on the subject, I answered her to the best of my understanding and as clearly as I could manage it.  

While she affirmed that she was naturally submissive, she had questions over how to manage disagreements in the relationship. Here is my answer:


It's a pleasure for me to try and answer you, although I don't know that any of it will be satisfactory. I'll give it my best go from the standpoint of my own relationship; hopefully it'll be some help to you! I think the easiest way, probably, is to just tackle questions from the top of them and work my way down.

Daily disagreements, with us, are non-existent, so this is generally not an issue, ever. HOH and I never argue, truth be told. However, my recommendation, if you would care to look into surrendering your relationship and letting your man be the man of the house, is this: think about all those little disagreements, and decide whether they are truly worth the happiness in your home just so that you can be "right". The fact of the matter is that all the tiny arguments that go on in relationships are the ones that punch holes in them and lead to discontent.

Arguing over whether the toilet paper goes over the top or hangs down the bottom, etc., is truly not so important as lasting happiness in the home, if you take my meaning.

Serious disagreements, of course, are a totally different matter. As I've written pretty much everywhere, a truly dominant man does not really want someone that simply "yes sir!"s him. Your opinion should still have value, and he should naturally consider it before any decision-making he does. A pretender would naturally ONLY consider your opinion if it fell in line with his. A pretender would CONTINUE to do things his way, even knowing full well that he is wrong.

There is nothing wrong with GENTLY enlightening one's HOH. If ever mine were, in fact, wrong, I know for a fact that he would take the time out to hear my opinion, see my facts, and modify his decisions. Truthfully, though...he's never been wrong, and his intellect is so staggering that I can only nod my head along while he explains his reasonings for things.

The best thing to be careful of is that you actually TRULY KNOW your partner before you take it to the next level. For example, HOH and I agree about EVERYTHING, and that's no exaggeration. It's hard to imagine that Perfect Person, but I found mine in him. We spent literally hundreds of hours just talking, before we ever met, on subjects ranging from theology, to philosophy, to childrearing and discipline and everything in between. I knew before I ever laid eyes on him in person that he would be the one for me. Because I knew him so well, I am FULLY confident that he will do everything in his power to make the best decisions for OUR family, and that confidence has allowed myself even more to fully surrender to him.

There is so much joy in this that it's absolutely indescribable. 

As a natural submissive myself, I find great freedom in his allowing me to simply be myself. Surrendering our relationship to him has allowed me to focus on the things I feel more capable in: seeing to his needs and that of my son (who's 5) and making sure that our home is a clean, loving, and calm one for everyone. Because of the nature of our relationship and the fact that I love him so dearly, things which I-- in my previous marriage-- balked at (cleaning, sweeping, mopping, cooking dinners, etc.) are now an utter joy to me, and I know that he appreciates all the hard work I do to make our home a better, happy, and more conducive place to love in.

...and as far as the divorce thing goes, it seems to me that a tiny amount of congratulations is in order. I, too, am in much the same position, truth be told. In fact, HOH and I are both still "technically, legally" married to other people. Eventually, when the money allows for it, we'll both seek our legal divorces, but the state of the stupid piece of paper that tied me to the lazy, good-for-nothing loser I was previously engaged with simply means nothing to me, and the same way for him. I do consider ourselves married as only truly married people are, and I trust him with my literal life in all things.

Laura Doyle-- writer of the (in?)famous The Surrendered Wife-- would have you believe that the only way to true and lasting happiness in your marriage relationship is to lose everything of yourself and simply do WHATEVER he wants. I do want you to know that's not the case. Just be sure you and your man mesh up on all the Important Topics (such as those I talked about above), especially in standards of morality and theology, and you won't go wrong. Also...don't forget to tell your SO that this is what you want. Men, of course, are not mind-readers, any more than we are. Being submissive and surrendered does NOT mean losing your mind, thoughts, and intellect to your man. It means giving over your trust to him in everything.

If you don't feel that you have Perfect Trust for your SO, you may want to think long and hard before you get into something like this. Trust is THE number one rule for living surrendered and submissively, and without it, nothing else will fall in place, either.

30 August 2011

I Married My First Love...

...and it didn't take a piece of paper from the government for me to believe it.

Being with K certainly wasn't my first relationship. I'd been through several, and they usually started out seemingly alright then took a swift turn for the worse. I went the whole legal marriage thing with the wedding and the dress and the stupid marriage license. None of it worked. It didn't work because of one simple fact:


K is the first person, and only man, I will ever and have ever truly loved. I knew it before I ever met him that we were meant to be together, and we sealed our dedication in marriage under the eyes of God through planned sexual union for this very purpose. From that first moment, we have been man and wife, and for this reason I say I married my first love.

He is my first, last, and always.

The Key to Sex.

I'll admit it, like everyone else has: I LOVE SEX. I love everything to do with it. The touches, the feeling, the closeness. I can't get enough of it. If K and I both had the fortitude, I could do it all day long, every day for the rest of my life, and live in a serotonin-induced haze of happiness.

It wasn't always this way, however. For most of my life, I viewed sex as something to be endured. I didn't enjoy it all that much, frankly. It was something one just DID when they were in a relationship, and it took me a long time to realize what I was missing, what made the sex SUCK.

What was always missing was love.

Love and spiritual connection are absolutely essential to amazing lovemaking. All my life I THOUGHT I was in love with the men I had sex with. In fact, most of my life I equated love with sex to such a degree that I seriously thought that if a guy wanted to have sex with me on a regular basis (as opposed to a one-nighter), it meant that he loved me. Many other women go through the exact same thing. They equate love with sex. For my part, I was a delusional child, to put it simply.

Love is not sex, but sex is a manifestation of love. Without having real, true love in the equation, sex becomes mindless gratification, and is always ultimately disappointing. Mankind was made for connection, and trying to do without it will always be equally unsatisfying in the end.

Dating Is For Children, Courting Is For Adults.

I've never been one to "date". What is there to this actual concept of dating, actually? Someone spends money to take someone else out somewhere they really don't want to be just so that there's a chance they might get in that other's pants?

There's no room for GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE in dating. It's always about doing something fun or exciting. Whatever happened to just sitting and talking about one's beliefs and values? It's not what fun stuff two people like to do together that makes for a stable relationship. It's not how well they mesh in the sack that does it, either.

Rather, it's getting to know that other person which helps to contribute to a good relationship. Long gone are the days of learning about someone before you want to screw them, because frankly I don't think most people care for the connotation of courting. Courting means getting to know someone with the intent to marry. Why worry about marriage when it's so much more fun to play the field? Is that it?

It sure isn't, but in this immature day and age, only the real adults are smart enough to realize that fun isn't everything.


All little girls start out wanting a white picket fence, a handsome, loving husband, and babies. Then, for some reason, they "grow up" and start wanting other things, like jobs or careers. I was one of those that never "grew up". I did my time working out of the home, and I honestly hated it. All I really wanted was to settle down, be a wife, and have babies.

I wanted to be a housewife. It took a lot of years before I was finally able to get what I wanted, and now that I'm able to devote 100% of my time at home to my loving husband, my five year old son, and the upkeep and happiness of my home, I've found that it's made ME a happier person. I'm glad to be where I am, and doing what I'm doing. I wouldn't want it any other way.

When I Was...

...twelve years old, I still played make pretend in the woods, running around barefoot, tanned, and happy all summer long like a wild little Indian child. I had barbie dolls and I used them. Kissing games were just that: games. Twelve year old girls of today are concerned about dressing with the fads of the day, having their own cell phone, and asking their friends for blowjob techniques.

...I didn't even know what a blowjob was until I was sixteen years old.

Children in today's day and age are growing up far too fast.

Schools push sexual education at far too young an age, encouraging kids to get out there and be sexually active instead of letting the parents teach moral and social responsibility and readiness. Little tween girls are nothing but carbon copy sluts like the other little girls they see on television. Short skirts, thongs hanging out the back of jeans slung so low it's lucky they haven't developed pubic hair yet, the list goes on and on and on. Just the clothing that's pushed on young girls is enough to get them to believe it's okay to show your goods and be a complete tramp.

Little boys listen to rap music proclaiming that it's good to "smack a bitch", "beat ho's", and "live for bling", and they repeat it wholeheartedly without even understanding what the words mean. By the time they reach an age where they DO, they come to the misguided understanding that all women want it, even if they say no, that women are tools for their satisfaction and nothing more, and that being "gangsta" is cool.

Society has done absolutely nothing to contradict these children, and in today's modern society, parents are so busy both working full time jobs to see to it that they learn otherwise. The television is their true babysitter, friend, confidant, and parent.

It's a sad, disgusting state of affairs.

The "Magic Words": Easy to Say

"I love you" is one of those very tricky phrases. Throughout my life, I've had a variety of men tell me that same thing. It took me a long time to realize that none of them actually meant it. The first one "loved" me because I gave up my virginity to him. The second said it, not because he actually loved me; instead he saw an inherent weakness in me that he could exploit. That guy abused me heavily for seven long, painful years. The one after him? Talked about how he loved me, but what he loved was the idea of having an all-the-time free lay and a slave to clean his house.

It wasn't until I met K that I finally found out what real love was. Beforehand, I merely accepted it, and only said it back because it was the "polite thing" to do. I never really felt it. Factually, I didn't even know what love was, what it looked or felt like. Now that I have something to compare it to, it's so easy to see how shallow all the other relationships of my past were. In looking back, too, it makes me appreciate what I have now even more.

True Love Online? ...It Can Happen!

I never thought in a million years that I'd end up falling in love with someone I met over one of those stupid internet dating sites. I'd joined up just looking for friends, for someone I might have something in common with. Having just moved 1300 miles, I knew no one, and loneliness was already starting to eat at me.
Then I stumbled across HIS profile, and as I read through it, I realized what an amazingly intelligent man this was. I decided to take the initiative and sent him a message saying that I enjoyed his profile and just what I thought of it. Within days, we were messaging each other through the site for hours, then it went to instant messaging, then on the telephone for six or more hours at a stretch, until finally we decided to meet.

We already knew we were meant for each other before we met. When we finally did, it was with the idea of cementing that knowledge through sexual union under the eyes of God. In doing so, we found ourselves truly blessed, and have been closer than anyone I've ever known in every way imaginable.

Highly Sensitive Person?

Ever since I was a small child, I was always called shy, introspective, sensitive. I never stopped to question it. I only knew it was just how I was. I tend toward being very uncomfortable in crowds, and with people in general, although I can put up a good front in those situations if I absolutely MUST. I would almost consider myself something of a sociophobe, because being around people just effects me so much. I can't be in a crowd and not seem to absorb its mood, and if there's one thing I hate more than anything else, it's feeling emotions that aren't mine.

In my relationship I tend to get very overwhelmed, and there was always a part of me that feels somewhat ashamed of crying over seemingly every little thing. Disappointment, anxiety, even love, effect me so strongly that I feel like if I don't let myself cry, I'll become so overwhelmed by it that it'll paralyze me. The hardest time I have had is simply expressing my love for him. Just thinking about it sends tingles all through me and tears to my eyes. ...just writing about it does this. I guess I kind of thought of myself as something of a freak, unable to control even the tiniest emotion, but now I feel a little bit better in knowing that I'm not alone with it.

I only found this term yesterday, but as soon as I saw it I knew it fit me to a tee.

Pornography Is Infidelity.

More and more in this day and age, I've seen questions from scared women, wondering if their significant other/husband is cheating on them. Often to blame is secretive text messages over cell phones, or the ever-dreaded internet pornography. There are those who feel that porn isn't bad; after all, if ladies are watching it WITH their husbands, he's not keeping secrets from them. ...right?

Wrong. Porn is the fantasy. It is whatever the film tells men they should expect in the bedroom. It might start out as curiosity, but it always grows into much more than that. Men in time come to expect their girlfriends or wives to be whores, there to pleasure them whenever and wherever the urge strikes. They stop seeing the loving, caring, feminine natures of their counterparts and instead see a TOOL to be USED for their own self-gratification.

The reason for this is simple: people who watch pornography eventually buy into the lie. They begin to covet what they see on the screen (be it tv or computer). They begin to grow sour against their own life relationship, wondering "How can I get my girlfriend/wife to do a threesome with another girl?" and all sorts of other things. In essence, they believe that what they see on that tv screen IS reality, and they begin to hate and loathe the truth in their life.

Eventually, many of them stop having sex with their partners and instead masturbate to the images on the screen. Why is that? Because they no longer respect their partner and instead want to have sex with what it is that they're watching.

Thinking about cheating on your partner, in my opinion, is just the same as doing it. You may not have actively screwed someone else, but if the opportunity presented itself, all those thoughts would manifest themselves and make it SO MUCH EASIER to "slip up" and actually cheat. Porn is no help with this at all. It only gives fuel for the fire of raging hormones while killing all moral thought at the same time.


Touch is a natural, necessary human need. Even scientists say that if a baby is tended to physically in every way-- food, clothing, shelter-- but not touched, they will fail to thrive and will just wither away. I used to think that I didn't need it. In fact, for the bulk of my adult life, I despised it when people touched me. It make me so uncomfortable my skin would crawl. This made relationships rather difficult, especially romantic ones. When I married my now-ex husband, I thought that by getting married, that this feeling would go away.

It did not, and it took several more years before I understood why.

The reason for it was lack of love. I did not love him, and furthermore I realized that I hadn't loved a single person I've ever been with in a sexual way, ever. What a startling thing to figure out when one's just hit the huge milestone of thirty years old!

Of course, I didn't realize what was wrong with it until I actually FOUND that true love. I never imagined a day where I would love someone so deeply that their simply looking at me would give me shivers of delight, or that a simple hug or other gentle touch would bring up waves of ecstasy all over my body. In finding K, I found that, and now I understand why so many people crave touch.

It's hopelessly addicting.


I have never read the book (where the term "surrendered" comes from), but it doesn't take rocket science to realize when one has found a kindred spirit, or that I don't find some value in the concept.

I have always been submissive by nature, but only recently did I find a man worthy enough to surrender myself to. It has been The Most Joyous thing that's ever happened to me. There's so much freedom in being allowed to be myself and to give in to him. I'm like a sapling, bending against the force of the wind. I'm a planet, and he is my sun. I can't help but find myself drawn to him and revolving around him. It feels so natural, so perfect, so right.

He never expects me to not have a mind of my own, although I do naturally demure to him. I am not a doormat, weak-willed, lazy, or lacking in intelligence. He loves me for my whole, and doesn't pick me apart to decide how I should behave. He understands that I find words of love far more difficult to express than doing so through my actions, and he's alright with that because it's simply a part of me. When I need correction, he will be there to help me. When I feel overemotional and clingy, he'll never push me away.

I finally feel free to be myself, for the first time in my life.


Most people would probably say that I am one of those traditional sort of people. I believe that the best place for a woman is in her home with her children, and it's a man's responsibility to support his family. Now, I understand completely that in this day and age it's very difficult to make ends meet. We're no longer in the 50s, where mom can stay at home and dad can go to work and come home from his 9 to 5. However, if it's possible, I don't see why it shouldn't be that way.

As I was growing up, I was always told "Don't let people drag you down for being a woman. You can be whatever you want to be, do whatever you want to do." The part that they seemed to have forgotten to mention is that I could be whatever I wanted SO LONG AS I DID WHAT THEY WANTED, WHICH IS TO GET MY ASS IN GEAR AND HAVE A HIGH PAYING CAREER.

What I did and always have wanted was to be a stay at home mother, but in this society more often than not SAHMs are considered too lazy to work, uncaring and unmindful of the hard work that their mates put in to support their family. They're often espoused as sitting around the house all day, eating bon-bons and watching daytime soaps. Factually, this is rarely true at all. I know it's certainly not the case for me!

Working out of the home is a woman's choice, just like any other choice, and I'd never like to see that taken away. There were a couple of good things that came from the women's movement (one of them being suffrage), but I personally believe that so many families throwing their children into day care has done a lot of harm to society. I think working it out so that a mother can raise her children herself would be of tremendous benefit to all of society.

You can't do it, you say? Too many bills, not enough income without the two paychecks? Try cutting back. Try living more frugally. Use coupons. Shop wisely. Take only one vacation a year instead of two. Cut up those credit cards. Stop borrowing money. Stop feeling the need to have whatever is current and new NOW instead of saving up for it. It's not hard to do, but many Americans wouldn't even bother trying. They're happy with their lives, or at least they think they are.

I sit outside sometimes in the evenings and watch the neighbors pull in from work. They come with their two brand new cars, shuttling their preschool-aged children from daycare into the house. I've never once seen these people play outside with their kids. Hell, sometimes I didn't even realize they had kids for months! How can they think they have the good life when their children are growing up without them, spending every day from seven in the morning till six at night with someone else? I don't know. I just don't think it's right or fair to both parents or their children. Maybe they don't see any other way to do it.

I just find it incredibly sad.

The Paper Means Nothing.

I used to be one of those girls that sat and daydreamed all day long about what my perfect wedding would look like. What would I wear? Who would attend? What would be the color scheme? The list goes on and on. When I got around to my "real" wedding, it was nothing like I'd hoped for, and for that matter, neither was the marriage. When I decided to end it (for a variety of reasons), I determined that I would never marry again, nor would I ever go looking for love.

Yes, I was disenfranchised, but it's to be expected when all my fantasies were nothing but crap in the face of a "real" marriage.

I gave up hope for awhile, not realizing that my expectations about relationships weren't really that high. Beforehand, I'd thought that I could never have the total package and everything that goes along with it. I was so hung up on that piece of paper that I didn't realize what actually constitute a REAL marriage...until I met K.

Finding him came completely out of the blue. I hadn't really been looking; all I wanted was to find someone that I shared interests with, on a purely intellectual basis. And then it blew up into something far bigger, and frankly, it scared me. But we talked about it and discussed our feelings until all hours of the night until I felt a lot better about Falling and Being In Love. Once I felt free to love again, then I experienced it for the first time, with him.

We spent a lot of time talking about the nature of relationships and what makes a marriage. K suggested to me that it isn't the piece of paper that makes a marriage. The piece of paper is from man, a license to wed going against what should otherwise be a completely spiritual experience. He asserted that marriage is a contract between two lovers and God, and that sexual union should never be entered into lightly. In fact, it should only be entered into with the idea that the one you make love with is your intended one and only, and in doing so you declare before God that this person is your mate, for all time.

I spent awhile thinking about that. It wasn't hard for me to realize that there was some undeniable truth hidden there, right in plain sight. I thought about all the relationships I'd had over the course of my adult life. I let my hormones rule my body without my heart being in it, resulting in less than satisfactory results. I even tried sex purposefully without "strings", or "friends with benefits", with the thought that I didn't need to have emotion involved to have "a good time", and it resulted in self-loathing, dissatisfaction, and disgust of my person. I realized that part of the reason they all failed so badly was because the proper motivation for sex just wasn't there.

K and I talked a lot about meeting, and on the first day we did, we went in with the intent to solidify our dedication to each other through sexual union under the eyes of God. It was very much planned, as opposed to being a spontaneous heat of the moment event resulting in yet more dissatisfaction. Some might say that all the magic was taken out of the act through all the planning we did before we went into it, but I found it to be very much the opposite. It was a very spiritual experience, and we both came away solidly feeling that our union would be blessed by God for approaching the matter of sex in that very same profound, spiritual way.

And it has.

I don't believe for one moment that the piece of paper is enough to make one "feel" married. Marriage comes from God as our higher power, not the local government. I learned this, clearly, through all the experiences of my life, and only after realizing the truth have I come to have true happiness.