17 September 2011


Recently, on one of the boards I frequent, I got a message from one of the members, asking for advice from me in desiring to live in a surrendered and submissive relationship. While I don't think I'm the authority-- by any means!-- on the subject, I answered her to the best of my understanding and as clearly as I could manage it.  

While she affirmed that she was naturally submissive, she had questions over how to manage disagreements in the relationship. Here is my answer:


It's a pleasure for me to try and answer you, although I don't know that any of it will be satisfactory. I'll give it my best go from the standpoint of my own relationship; hopefully it'll be some help to you! I think the easiest way, probably, is to just tackle questions from the top of them and work my way down.

Daily disagreements, with us, are non-existent, so this is generally not an issue, ever. HOH and I never argue, truth be told. However, my recommendation, if you would care to look into surrendering your relationship and letting your man be the man of the house, is this: think about all those little disagreements, and decide whether they are truly worth the happiness in your home just so that you can be "right". The fact of the matter is that all the tiny arguments that go on in relationships are the ones that punch holes in them and lead to discontent.

Arguing over whether the toilet paper goes over the top or hangs down the bottom, etc., is truly not so important as lasting happiness in the home, if you take my meaning.

Serious disagreements, of course, are a totally different matter. As I've written pretty much everywhere, a truly dominant man does not really want someone that simply "yes sir!"s him. Your opinion should still have value, and he should naturally consider it before any decision-making he does. A pretender would naturally ONLY consider your opinion if it fell in line with his. A pretender would CONTINUE to do things his way, even knowing full well that he is wrong.

There is nothing wrong with GENTLY enlightening one's HOH. If ever mine were, in fact, wrong, I know for a fact that he would take the time out to hear my opinion, see my facts, and modify his decisions. Truthfully, though...he's never been wrong, and his intellect is so staggering that I can only nod my head along while he explains his reasonings for things.

The best thing to be careful of is that you actually TRULY KNOW your partner before you take it to the next level. For example, HOH and I agree about EVERYTHING, and that's no exaggeration. It's hard to imagine that Perfect Person, but I found mine in him. We spent literally hundreds of hours just talking, before we ever met, on subjects ranging from theology, to philosophy, to childrearing and discipline and everything in between. I knew before I ever laid eyes on him in person that he would be the one for me. Because I knew him so well, I am FULLY confident that he will do everything in his power to make the best decisions for OUR family, and that confidence has allowed myself even more to fully surrender to him.

There is so much joy in this that it's absolutely indescribable. 

As a natural submissive myself, I find great freedom in his allowing me to simply be myself. Surrendering our relationship to him has allowed me to focus on the things I feel more capable in: seeing to his needs and that of my son (who's 5) and making sure that our home is a clean, loving, and calm one for everyone. Because of the nature of our relationship and the fact that I love him so dearly, things which I-- in my previous marriage-- balked at (cleaning, sweeping, mopping, cooking dinners, etc.) are now an utter joy to me, and I know that he appreciates all the hard work I do to make our home a better, happy, and more conducive place to love in.

...and as far as the divorce thing goes, it seems to me that a tiny amount of congratulations is in order. I, too, am in much the same position, truth be told. In fact, HOH and I are both still "technically, legally" married to other people. Eventually, when the money allows for it, we'll both seek our legal divorces, but the state of the stupid piece of paper that tied me to the lazy, good-for-nothing loser I was previously engaged with simply means nothing to me, and the same way for him. I do consider ourselves married as only truly married people are, and I trust him with my literal life in all things.

Laura Doyle-- writer of the (in?)famous The Surrendered Wife-- would have you believe that the only way to true and lasting happiness in your marriage relationship is to lose everything of yourself and simply do WHATEVER he wants. I do want you to know that's not the case. Just be sure you and your man mesh up on all the Important Topics (such as those I talked about above), especially in standards of morality and theology, and you won't go wrong. Also...don't forget to tell your SO that this is what you want. Men, of course, are not mind-readers, any more than we are. Being submissive and surrendered does NOT mean losing your mind, thoughts, and intellect to your man. It means giving over your trust to him in everything.

If you don't feel that you have Perfect Trust for your SO, you may want to think long and hard before you get into something like this. Trust is THE number one rule for living surrendered and submissively, and without it, nothing else will fall in place, either.

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