Insecurity.

One of the things I noticed-- rather recently, to my chagrin-- is how I react when I feel insecure. It's not that I didn't realize it, but rather that I didn't realize what it meant. 

It's hard to admit to oneself that you are insecure to begin with, and it's something that I've suffered with a lot over the course of my life. I have always held myself to an impossible standard, something that I could never follow. I want to be always on the right side of things. I never want to be a disappointment or a failure in any aspect of my life. What I seek in myself is perfection, and of course, I ALWAYS fall short of it. No one is perfect. I know this, as does everyone else; and yet the fact remains that I still want myself to be this way...and when I'm not, I find I disappoint myself.

Of course, perfection being what it is, I find that I am constantly disappointing myself. Because of this, I have a deep-seated fear that by being a disappointment to myself that I must therefore also be a disappointment to my loved ones. There is no greater fear to me than disappointing my HOH. It literally goes well above and beyond any other fear that I might ever have, and causes a significant amount of insecurity in me.

It's a sad thing that I can easily recognize my own insecurities, and yet I feel as though I have absolutely no control over them. I understand that my need to be/seem/appear perfect in all matters is irrational at best. Yet at the same time, I cannot stop myself from thinking and feeling this way no matter how hard I try to convince myself I can. 

I constantly and consistently set myself up for disappointment, and in this one thing I never let myself down. I see the littlest disappointments internally and they by their very nature become huge and irreconcilable to me.

I suppose at the least it's a good thing that I understand this part of myself. If I didn't, I can imagine that I would spend my life moody, disappointed, and depressed and have absolutely no idea why. Usually I can spot these sort of emotional trends coming a mile away, even if I'm powerless to stop it happening.

While I do know what the cause of the bulk of my insecurities were, my largest one over all of these is even more simple: I feel that I cannot control myself and my emotions. This is a source of deep disgust and self-loathing to me, and naturally by proxy I find it hard to imagine myself a loveable person if I feel so deeply disgusted in myself. If I cannot love myself, in essence, why ought anyone else, ever? 

Coming close on the heels of that is the fact that I have a deep, undeniable need to know that I am loved, even if I hate myself on many occasions...which is where I come down to the topic at hand.

My reaction to my own self-loathing and disgust is usually tears. I get angry and frustrated at my own stupidity, for saying or doing whatever stupid thing that got me along those lines to begin with. I all at once feel the need to withdraw. I am unloveable to everyone because I do not love myself, I feel.

Yet at the same time, I always find myself turning toward my HOH. He gives me the reassurance that even if I err and do something horribly stupid, he still loves me and is happy with me. Not necessarily my actions, but my person. While I desire to retreat and turn inward, shunning contact with others, at the same time I long for emotional support and physical touch. Nothing stills me faster than being held, because the act itself tells my subconscious, "What you did or said might not be okay, but I'm okay with you." 

Because of this innate need to feel secure and loved, even when I don't feel that I deserve it, I find that the more insecure I feel, the more I long to touch, to hold and be held. Most of the time I cannot express myself. There may not be words attached with all these crazy emotions, or if there are, I may find myself too tongue-tied to get them out. But I know that I can at least express myself in this way. 

My fear in this area is, perhaps, in being found out...although I'll be found out anyhow, considering my HOH reads this. The fact of the matter is that I'm transparent as a pane of glass, and to me it's shameful that I can have just figured this out when I'm positive that he already knows this is my reaction to stress, doubt, and insecurity. 

And yet, here's the truth of the matter: I'm a woman, I'm emotional, and I'm frequently insecure, and the only cure for it is his unconditional love. My saving grace is that he understands the nature of a woman and accepts me for who I am and what I feel.