The Little Things That Bring Me Joy

It's funny how being in love changes a person. I used to be one of those people that hated household chores. I did them because I had to, not because it gave me any pleasure. I never really had the satisfaction of a job well-done. 

Cooking, sweeping, mopping, dusting, vacuuming, doing the laundry...cleaning the BATHROOM?

Yeech! 

Dishes, especially, were of great personal loathing to me.

God, I always HATED dishes. They seemed to pile up endlessly. I could never manage to keep up with them. It was impossible to get my ex to rinse off his plates and bowls, resulting in a disgusting and ugly mess inside our dishwasher. Eventually, it ended up breaking completely, and I was forced to clean all those dishes by hand, once again, fighting with the disgusting, dried-up mess on plates on a daily basis. 

All this isn't even taking into consideration the fact that I was disabled before I ever married my ex, and trying to grasp dishes with my disabled hand tends to cause me tremendous pain over time.

Succinctly, I loathed dishes and everything to do with them, and I couldn't stand my ex's inconsideration of me. He didn't care that I had to work extra hard to make the dishes clean because he was too lazy to run them under water. He didn't care that doing so was causing me a great deal of physical pain. He clearly thought that was the only thing I was good for-- cooking and cleaning up after him.

This, among many other things, led me to loathe him just as much as I did all those hated household chores. Eventually, it led to the dissolution of our marriage altogether.

And you know what? In a lot of ways, I'm glad it did, because if I hadn't gotten so thoroughly disgusted with this lazy, dirty man, I never would've gotten the nerve up to move so far away from home...where eventually I did end up meeting the one true love of my life. Thank you, God.

Things have changed with me in a complete 180 since I met K. A lot of the things I couldn't ever stand to do back then give me a tremendous amount of satisfaction and joy now.

The reason why is because I know that he appreciates everything I do for him.

I love to cook now, when I used to hate it beforehand. I never got any pleasure out of it, because the simple fact was that I knew my ex didn't appreciate me or anything I did, especially when it came to things like running the household. Doing the laundry, while not entirely pleasurable, is a lot more enjoyable to me because I know that doing it makes my HOH proud of me.

My nemesis, dishes? Oh yes. I LOVE doing the dishes now, surprisingly enough! We have a dishwasher, and lately it's been acting up. Instead of whining about how it needs to be fixed so that dishes come out spotlessly clean like they're supposed to...I decided instead that I'd start washing all the dishes old school-- by hand. It needs doing multiple times a day to be sure that a huge mess doesn't end up all over the kitchen counters, but I love doing it anyway...because now I take pride in the appearance of our home and I want things looking nice all the time. 

It doesn't even bother me that much when my hand starts hurting me, because my sense of pride and the feel of his love for me kind of just...covers it up. It's a pain worth bearing for me because of the rewards I get from it.

The biggest reason for all this is simple: I want my HOH to be proud of me. I feel like I need a sense of accomplishment, and making sure that everything is neat and in order, all nice and clean, is one way of doing that. I know for a fact that K appreciates everything I do around the house, because he tells me so regularly. It bolsters me up and makes me want to keep on keeping on, and even find new and better ways of doing things in order to keep that appreciation and sense of pride.

This is one of those things that just makes sense, and it isn't a one-way street, either. It's very nice to feel appreciated, and I love it. However, it's also very easy to forget to show appreciation for the things your partner does for YOU. You should always remember to show appreciation for your own HOH. Let him know that the little things he does for you are important to you and make you feel special-- even if it is something simple like changing the oil in the car or mowing the lawn. Those things take time, too, and are just as much a reason to appreciate him as he does for you.

Showing appreciation for each other is another way of showing love. When it's a two-way street and both partners are feeling appreciated, it makes them want to work harder, for their partner, for their family, and especially for themselves. 

Stay appreciative, and you'll find that your relationship stays strong, too!

Q&A

Recently, on one of the boards I frequent, I got a message from one of the members, asking for advice from me in desiring to live in a surrendered and submissive relationship. While I don't think I'm the authority-- by any means!-- on the subject, I answered her to the best of my understanding and as clearly as I could manage it.  

While she affirmed that she was naturally submissive, she had questions over how to manage disagreements in the relationship. Here is my answer:

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It's a pleasure for me to try and answer you, although I don't know that any of it will be satisfactory. I'll give it my best go from the standpoint of my own relationship; hopefully it'll be some help to you! I think the easiest way, probably, is to just tackle questions from the top of them and work my way down.

Daily disagreements, with us, are non-existent, so this is generally not an issue, ever. HOH and I never argue, truth be told. However, my recommendation, if you would care to look into surrendering your relationship and letting your man be the man of the house, is this: think about all those little disagreements, and decide whether they are truly worth the happiness in your home just so that you can be "right". The fact of the matter is that all the tiny arguments that go on in relationships are the ones that punch holes in them and lead to discontent.

Arguing over whether the toilet paper goes over the top or hangs down the bottom, etc., is truly not so important as lasting happiness in the home, if you take my meaning.

Serious disagreements, of course, are a totally different matter. As I've written pretty much everywhere, a truly dominant man does not really want someone that simply "yes sir!"s him. Your opinion should still have value, and he should naturally consider it before any decision-making he does. A pretender would naturally ONLY consider your opinion if it fell in line with his. A pretender would CONTINUE to do things his way, even knowing full well that he is wrong.

There is nothing wrong with GENTLY enlightening one's HOH. If ever mine were, in fact, wrong, I know for a fact that he would take the time out to hear my opinion, see my facts, and modify his decisions. Truthfully, though...he's never been wrong, and his intellect is so staggering that I can only nod my head along while he explains his reasonings for things.

The best thing to be careful of is that you actually TRULY KNOW your partner before you take it to the next level. For example, HOH and I agree about EVERYTHING, and that's no exaggeration. It's hard to imagine that Perfect Person, but I found mine in him. We spent literally hundreds of hours just talking, before we ever met, on subjects ranging from theology, to philosophy, to childrearing and discipline and everything in between. I knew before I ever laid eyes on him in person that he would be the one for me. Because I knew him so well, I am FULLY confident that he will do everything in his power to make the best decisions for OUR family, and that confidence has allowed myself even more to fully surrender to him.

There is so much joy in this that it's absolutely indescribable. 

As a natural submissive myself, I find great freedom in his allowing me to simply be myself. Surrendering our relationship to him has allowed me to focus on the things I feel more capable in: seeing to his needs and that of my son (who's 5) and making sure that our home is a clean, loving, and calm one for everyone. Because of the nature of our relationship and the fact that I love him so dearly, things which I-- in my previous marriage-- balked at (cleaning, sweeping, mopping, cooking dinners, etc.) are now an utter joy to me, and I know that he appreciates all the hard work I do to make our home a better, happy, and more conducive place to love in.

...and as far as the divorce thing goes, it seems to me that a tiny amount of congratulations is in order. I, too, am in much the same position, truth be told. In fact, HOH and I are both still "technically, legally" married to other people. Eventually, when the money allows for it, we'll both seek our legal divorces, but the state of the stupid piece of paper that tied me to the lazy, good-for-nothing loser I was previously engaged with simply means nothing to me, and the same way for him. I do consider ourselves married as only truly married people are, and I trust him with my literal life in all things.

Laura Doyle-- writer of the (in?)famous The Surrendered Wife-- would have you believe that the only way to true and lasting happiness in your marriage relationship is to lose everything of yourself and simply do WHATEVER he wants. I do want you to know that's not the case. Just be sure you and your man mesh up on all the Important Topics (such as those I talked about above), especially in standards of morality and theology, and you won't go wrong. Also...don't forget to tell your SO that this is what you want. Men, of course, are not mind-readers, any more than we are. Being submissive and surrendered does NOT mean losing your mind, thoughts, and intellect to your man. It means giving over your trust to him in everything.

If you don't feel that you have Perfect Trust for your SO, you may want to think long and hard before you get into something like this. Trust is THE number one rule for living surrendered and submissively, and without it, nothing else will fall in place, either.

Like a Child.

There's nothing in the world like your husband holding you while you cry like a baby and telling you that everything will be alright.

There's such comfort in his words, such strength in his arms.

Being with him makes you feel stronger yourself, more confident.

Even if you feel like a child when he's holding you, there's nothing wrong with that.

He allows you to cry, to grow, to change, and loves you all the more for your tears.

You epitomize femininity to him.

You allow him to see your weakness, and even that weakness is a strength.

You feel like a child, but when your emotions are wrung out, he dries your tears and you return to being a woman, having grown through the experience.

There is nothing more feminine and womanly than being allowed emotion.

There is nothing wrong with being held, and nothing wrong with needing it, too.