The Hypocracy of Christian Modesty

As someone who is highly interested in the topic at hand, I've done countless hours of research into modesty. There are innumerable reasons for choosing to be modest-- which I have recounted many here and elsewhere across the web. Unfortunately, in the course of all this research, I've stumbled across a sad truth.

One of the largest hypocrisies I see propagated by the Christian mainstream is the idea of modesty in and of itself, and to whom the command to be modest is actually for. It is true that the majority of church denominations will say that modesty is something to be desired...but the divergence comes when they seem to espouse the idea that modesty is only meant for women.

I've seen the argument time and again on mainstream Christian websites dealing with modesty:  men are more VISUAL than women, therefore when a woman is immodest around men it is a greater stumbling block to them and leads to more incidents of lustful or improper thoughts. 

Following this roundabout logic (and I hate to say it, but...), the feminists are almost right. Women are still being blamed for the ideas and thoughts of men. Men do objectify women. Often enough, if a woman is sexually assaulted, what she was wearing at the time still does come into question. There are still men who blame women for their own shortcomings and inability to control their sinful, base urges.

And yes, all of that roundabout logic is garbage.

All that being said, I still think that the italicized statement above is a complete crock. Why? ...well, I spend some of my free time on Pinterest (for those that don't know, it's an online picture collecting site). I enjoy surfing around for cute, modest outfits, home decorating ideas, recipes, and inspirational quotes. I'll tell you one thing: that site is a GREAT tool for getting into the heads of both women AND men.

The hugest thing I've noticed is that the idea that MEN are the visual ones and MEN are the ones doing all the objectifying is complete and utter BS. I cannot look through a single post without seeing scores of half-naked men, all sweaty with sexy looks on their faces and shirtless with all their chest and arm muscles rippling. Not only that, but it's WOMEN who are posting all this, and making indecent and downright crude remarks about them!

"Mmmm! Yummy!" "He's so hot!" "I'd do that!" ...yeah.

Women are just as much visual creatures as men are, and they're just as sexualized, crude, rude, and dirty towards men. Seeing men in any state of undress is just as much of a stumbling block, but because this mistaken idea still exists, it continually gets overlooked.

The churches that throw a fit when a woman is caught in a skirt higher than her kneecaps while not chastising their men for running around shirtless (hopefully not at church!) are doing their members a huge disservice. Yes, it might be "hot outside"...but you don't see women running around with their shirts off. That, to their minds, would practically scream "Rape me!" However, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, too. They have that age-old adage for a reason, because it's true.

...I don't think it's too much to ask for men to suck it up and keep their clothes on. There's only one man I want to see in ANY state of undress, and that's my husband!

Modesty isn't just for women: it's for everyone.

My Personal Debate Over Hairstyling

So I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking lately (those are two of my most-used personality traits). As I've written before, modesty and submission are both huge things for me. They are absolutely essential to my psychological and spiritual makeup, as it were. I've gotten to thinking more about being modest and being submissive, and what that means to me.

I've had some huge issues where it regards my head, head-covering, and hair. A lot of people claim that 1 Corinthians 11 is referring to hair as a head-covering. I can't say that I agree with them, because I feel that the headcovering mentioned there is referring to something physically covering over the top of a woman's head. However, I can say that I get where they're coming from, and some of that feeling is manifesting in my internal debate.

As much as I've always tried to stay away from just using the bible as a source for Truth, it doesn't seem to happen, because I find a LOT of Truths in there. One of the ones I've been thinking about revolving around this subject is a particular idea that a woman's hair is her glory.

Since I was thirteen, I've been chopping my hair off. I'm not talking about shoulder length or anything like that: I mean full-out boy-short hair. I think doing so was a huge part of my "rebellion"-- if you can even call it that; I was nothing if not a very compliant child AND teen-- against my father's belief that all women and girls should have long hair.

I've justified wanting to chop off my hair a million different ways. I've gone the route of "It's my body and I'll do what I want with it" (shudder, I sound like a die-hard feminist liberal harpy bitch in that one...). I've reasoned with myself that it's only hair and it'll grow back anyways. I've said that having a short haircut makes me feel more cute or active or confident or self-assured or insert-positive-adjective-here. I've also worked it around in my head that because my hair is so coarse and thick, it tends to give me headaches the longer it gets, so the best solution is to just cut it short. Not only that, but it's a mess to try and untangle once it gets to that certain point.

But now I'm kind of at a time in my life where I feel evermore a huge desire to look and act more feminine, and that part of me that grew up with my Daddy mandating that women MUST have long hair is starting to prod at me again. Not only that, but the last time I got my hair cut, I was extremely pleased with the outcome...but it seemed to me that my HOH was not so much. He preferred my hair longer, and truth be told, his opinion of how I look matters to me more than my own opinion of how I look. After all, he's the one looking at ME day and night, while the only time I look at myself is when I look in a mirror. I don't do that all too often, so...

I'm not sure...CAN a woman be feminine and girly while still having short hair? Is wanting to keep my hair short a matter of pride for me? Should I or should I not value my HOH's opinion of my looks over my own? 

Because I'm having an urge to let it grow and suffer the headaches-- literal and figurative-- that goes along with it, with the idea that it will please my HOH and God to be more womanly in appearance.

Decision: undecided. Sigh.

Modesty in an Immodest World

When most people think of modesty, what do they think of?

That's a loaded question, because of course people think all kinds of things. I know when I reached my later teens and early twenties, I had a rather negative viewpoint of modesty. I was raised to be modest, you see, and once I left my father's home I decided I would simply do what I want. Skirts below my knees? Not on your life! High-collared shirts? Oh, hell no! I was woman, hear me roar...and all that other nonsense.

When I was that age, I decided to go against much of what I was taught in matters of looks and appearance. It was rebellion on my part, and I thank God that I'm smart enough to not have been a REAL rebel and get myself into illegal drugs or binge drinking, as so many young adults do in this day and age. No, my rebellion was in how I looked, and by God, I was going to do what I wanted and dress how I wanted.

So, yeah. I showed up at nightclubs at the age of twenty-one wearing little more than a fishnet dress, thong, over-bust corset, and knee-high stiletto boots. Pretty much everything I had was on display for everyone to see...and I did get a LOT of looks. How could I not?

Did I love the attention it got me? ...not so much.

Instead of feeling free, beautiful, and desired, fully in charge of my femininity and the burden of responsibility cast off...I kind of felt like crap. I felt like a slab of meat. Men's eyes were on me everywhere I went in that club, and I knew EXACTLY what they were thinking. They didn't even HAVE to undress me in their head. Hell, I did it for them! Get them a little too drunk, and I could've faced a really bad situation. Thank you, God, that nothing more than a few errant drunken gropes happened. 

Rather than making me feel good, this behavior-- this acting out-- made me feel cheap and sleazy.

Damnit. Those feminists lied to me...again!

Modesty sans frumpiness!

Nowadays? I'm older and wiser. Fortunately. I've thrown off the feminist propaganda that tells me I can damn well do what I please and damn the consequences of my actions...and in doing so I've gotten back to my roots. I'm generally conservative in nature to begin with (how I ended up half-naked at a club making out with girls and having a couple too many I can't even imagine now!), but my spiritual path is taking me even further than I was raised to be.

Why be modest, though? Is there really anything wrong with wearing a tank top and short shorts? I mean...I live in FLORIDA, the United States capital of God-awful summer heat! I SHOULD be able to bend the "rules" I've got in my head of what is modest and immodest...right?

Not so much. At least, not for me. To me, modesty is about respect. It's respect for myself, for my relationship with my HOH, and for God.

• Dressing in a trashy way with lots of skin showing isn't respectful to myself. It feels as though I don't value myself. I don't want to be one of those women who get ahead in life because they wear miniskirts and let their breasts hang half out. Let me instead be judged (if you will) based on my OWN merits...not by how I look. I want my children to grow up knowing that I respect myself. I want them to learn from my example and not make the same mistakes I have.
• I take a great amount of pride in my relationship. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm submissive to my HOH naturally; it doesn't take any effort on my part whatsoever. I consider the fact that how I dress is not only a reflection on me, but it also is a reflection on HIM and our relationship. I have respect and deep, deep love for him and our relationship, and I aim to show it through my style of dress. My body is his to see...and his alone. I am not for public display.
• God created us all beautiful, in our way. I wouldn't cover myself up in ugly sacks and say "This is what God wants from me!", waving around my piousness like a badge of honor. I'm a humble person...but I still want to be pretty. God made women to be beautiful, so just because I won't wear tank-tops anymore and prefer long skirts does NOT mean I am all of a sudden going to wear ugly clothes. News flash: I can wear bright colors and lively patterns on my clothes and STILL look modest!

Of course, not everyone will agree with this, and I don't really care one way or the other if they do or not. I know how I feel when I dress modestly, in long skirts and dresses.

I feel feminine.

I feel pretty.

I feel confident.

I feel respectful AND respected.

To me, that doesn't seem like such a bad thing at all...

---

To see the kinds of styles I enjoy, feel free to follow me on Pinterest, my second best hobby! 

 

The above photo is courtesy of Gal Meets Glam.

Making Changes in My Life.

Image from GarlandsofGrace

I swore to myself that when I started this blog, I wouldn't get all spiritual on folks. After all, not everyone is submissive because of spiritual reasons, right?

Well...things are changing in my home, and it's something I feel the need to express. If you don't like it or feel uncomfortable, feel free to skip over this post.

K and I have been making a point lately of spending the evenings when I have off work just talking. We'll sit out on the porch, have a glass of wine or two, and talk about whatever comes up. Lately, what's been coming up is our need to be more spiritual. We spoke at some length about the Amish and the appeal of their community. We talked about why there's so much appeal in that sort of lifestyle for us. And through the course of all that, a few things came into my mind.

Modesty is important, isn't it?

It's part of what separates a spiritual person from your average, everyday sheeple. Being modest shows respect to yourself, to your HOH, and to the Creator. It shows that you value the sacredness of those relationships.

I came to realize that, while I'm not trashy in dress and appearance by any means, I could be doing better. And something moved in me to do better because of it. I spun it around in my head for a day or two, and finally brought it up to HOH: I want to start covering my head.

Why?

To show my submissiveness. To show modesty. To feel more feminine. He took in my answers and said he had no problem getting behind it, and my journey took a new turn. We ended up at Walmart in the crafts section, and I picked out a couple different fabrics I liked to turn into head coverings. I also got a nice blue flowered bandana that I thought would do the trick. At home, I did a bunch of research and started making a couple of covers for myself.

Once I put it on, I had this feeling come over me. It felt right...like this was a part of something I'd been missing out on. It's only been a week, but that feeling hasn't gone away. I'm fully aware that it will not, because he and I have in some ways stumbled across a Truth in it. Modesty has its place in our life. Head covering is a way to show that.

Within another day or two, I felt pulled toward looking even more feminine. I had an urge to go through my closet and throw out every pair of slacks I own. Of course, I didn't do that...because I've only a couple skirts and one or two dresses to wear, period. That wouldn't leave much for my daily life at all. But when the opportunity arose to hit up the local Goodwill, we went, and I walked out with three nice floor-length skirts.

Am I saying this sort of thing is for everyone? No, not necessarily...but it could be, and perhaps it should be, too. I'll get to the reasons why I think it can and should be in a future post.

Dress to Impress-- Why You Should Take Care of Yourself for Yourself, and Him Too

I don't know about the rest of you, but I absolutely hate to be sick. I loathe it more than almost anything else in this world. Especially a head cold. Nothing is less attractive then an endlessly running nose, sniffling, and coughing all day long. When you get sick, there really isn't anything you can do about it aside from waiting it out. We don't have the cure for the common cold. Yet.

This topic came to mind to me because last night I was battling a low-grade fever and I hoped that a good night's sleep would be just the trick to get me feeling good and perky this morning. The sleep, unfortunately, just didn't work. Apparently, I cannot just sleep off an impending cold.

I will tell you one thing that does help me feel better, though. That one thing is dressing up.

That's right. Dressing up. It may be a simple vanity thing, or some deep subconscious feminine need, but whenever I'm sick, making myself pretty is a surefire way to perk up my mood.

I'm not a makeup addict by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just as likely to leave the house on any given day au naturale, without even a dab of something pretty on my face, as I am to apply something. I do, however, notice a huge change in how I feel when I go to the trouble of taking that five or ten minutes to do so.

In other words, I am not one of those "high-maintenance" chicks. I far prefer to be natural, and I do believe that K shares the same opinion.

However. However! By the same token, there are times when I simply feel that I want to look better...and often enough, dressing a little nicer than I usually do or quickly applying some concealer, mascara, and lip gloss does the trick. Yes, I do it for myself, and the truth of the matter is that whenever my mood is so-so and could stand some improvement, this always works! 

I make myself up pretty and maybe even throw on a nice skirt or dress. My mood elevates immediately. Take it from the girl whose average skin care regimen includes washing her face and brushing her hair, and whose wardrobe primarily consists of flip flops, cargo pants, and tank tops.

I look in the mirror and see myself...only better. And that, in turn, makes me feel better. I suppose there's some scientific reason for this, and I know I've found it here and there before, but I'm not going to go to the bother of looking this all up to post on here. Suffice it to say this: 

It is scientifically proven that making oneself look nicer is a surefire way to improve your mood.

Now that that's out of the way...one might ask this: dressing up and putting on makeup is great. It makes me feel nice, happier, insert-good-feeling-emotion here. However, what does that have to do with my man?

This is where things get a little more complicated. But not too complicated.

When two people share space with each other like two married / committed people do, there are naturally a lot of things that they see of each other that others don't. We go through sweaty days, stinky days, cranky days, period days, those days where last night's dinner simply didn't agree with you at all... For parents, it might become old hat to walk around in that shirt with infant spit up on it, wearing sweatpants and slippers all day long. Most humans don't see this sort of thing from anyone else except their partner. 

Sometimes these things are more frequent than the sweet-smelling, sexy-looking, nice days when your man wants to lock you into the bedroom all day and throw away the key.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I, for my part, far greatly prefer feeling sexy, wanted, and desired. 

It's very easy to get into an appearance slump, but it's also correctable and can go a long way toward improving your relationship if it's starting to slump, too.

Think back to when you and your man first got together or were dating. Heaven forbid should a hair on your head be out of place. You were always sure to look nice. He would never see you in sweats and hair in a ponytail. You wouldn't even dream of letting him see your legs unshaved. You wouldn't skip a shower if your life depended on it...all because of that desire to attract him to you, to make yourself appear more desirable than all the other little female fishies in the sea.

But somewhere along the line, that can change. You get committed. Life catches you up. You find yourself with less and less time, especially if you both work or there are babies to take into account. You love your man, yes...but at the same time, you no longer fear losing him.

After all, if he can tolerate the occasional after dinner flatulence, he can tolerate anything...right?

The fact of the matter is, once you get to that certain point in your relationship, looks seem to become less important. You've caught your man, so it's cool now. You're free to let things go a little.

But I'm saying you shouldn't do this, and if you discover that you're falling into this pattern, that you should get out of it, fast. You might be a harried stay at home mother and homemaker or a hard-working woman with a full time job, but you do not have to look like one! 

Do things for yourself once in a while. Hell, do something for yourself at least once a week, if not once a day. Doing so will improve your mood tremendously...and your man will enjoy looking at you, too. Liking looking at you, in turn, will cause him to continue to find you desirable, which in turn will cause you to feel more desirable.

People might claim this sort of thinking is sexist, but I personally do not believe in sexism. It's a simple matter of cause and effect. 

Cause: Children run you around all day, or work keeps you all hours of the day. You're harried and you can barely cope with or keep up with everything.

Effect: You run out of energy for everything, even for your man and yourself. You let yourself slip, and sex eventually goes right out the window in favor of, please God, just one good night of sleep!

Here's another one, though, that's far nicer than the first one:

Cause: You notice you're looking crappy, feeling crappy, and have no energy so you decide to spend an hour giving yourself a mani/pedi or a nice facial you read about in that woman's magazine.

Effect: You are pleased with yourself, and your mood improves. When your husband/SO comes home and notices your mood, it in turn brightens his day. He suggests a little quality "one-on-one" time that evening with waggled eyebrows. Everyone is happier as a result.

The point is, I'm not trying to say you ought to do things just for yourself or just for your man. Why not do it for both reasons? Looking nice can go a long way toward helping out your mood and therefore improve the mood of everyone in the house.

I know this for a fact, because instead of slumping around in sweatpants, I decided to throw on a skirt and some nicely applied, tasteful makeup today. I might not feel less sick, but I sure do feel better about it!

Give it a try if you haven't already, ladies. It can't hurt and can only help!