In Defense of Godly Submission

This is my response on a forum in relation to the topic of Godly / Biblical Submission. This is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. I consider it to be one of the most important things that is lacking in most relationships in this day and age. I truly feel that more women would be happier in their marriages if they would just give in to God...and submit to their worthy husbands.

And so, I wrote the below:

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I have written on the topic of submission so many times now that I don't even know where to begin! lol

I'm a very firm believer in Godly headship, and that women are to submit to their husband's authority. The husband, in turn, must answer to Christ and ultimately God for the health, safety, and well-being of his family-- not only spiritually, but also physically, mentally, and emotionally as well. A man who is abusive or uses Godly submission as an excuse to trod upon his wife IS NOT DESERVING OF HEADSHIP.

IMO, the key to being able to submit to Godly authority-- and therefore to your husband-- means having a husband WORTHY of submitting to!

A Godly man that does his best to be all that he has to be to ensure the happiness and safety of his family. He works hard, takes care of his children, leads his family spiritually. He is a strong man and therefore he makes it easier for a Godly woman to submit to him.

Much like any company or institution, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE PERSON IN ULTIMATE AUTHORITY. There is a President and a Vice-President, but the President is always the higher authority, the end-all, be-all of decision-making.

No business can be run when every moment is a power-struggle, when every executive decision made is constantly questioned and nitpicked and second-guessed. All this sort of behavior will do is start to make the President second-guess his every move...and eventually he won't want to make a decision at all, his self-confidence being completely shattered because no one is confident IN him.

Does that mean that the President does not ever CONSULT his VP? No, of course not. They should have calm, rational discussions on a day-to-day basis regarding the runnings of the business. They should not let their wants and emotions get in the way of reaching a decision, but do what is best for the entire company.

Ephesians 5:25-33

King James Version (KJV)

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
²⁶ That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
²⁷ That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
²⁸ So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
²⁹ For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
³⁰ For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
³¹ For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
³² This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
³³ Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

The bible does not tell husbands to SUBJUGATE their wives, nor does it say that wives must tolerate abusive, controlling behaviors. It does not say that men must schedule out every waking moment of their wife's life.

The bible COMMANDS men to love their wives as their own body! So clearly, they would be going against God's expressed commands if they were to abuse the trust their submissive wife has placed in them!

I do have a mind. I have thoughts and opinions. I have beliefs. And I can and DO express all those things to my husband-- who IS my Head of Household. And you know what? Because he is worthy of my submission, he listens to every word I say and takes my counsel into account before he goes and makes huge decisions that will effect our relationship or our entire family.

Does he tell me what I should wear every day? What we should eat? How I should do my hair (or in my case, mandate that I cover)? What we should buy at the store? ...and on and on and on? Heck, no! He trusts me enough to know that I am perfectly capable of presenting myself as a good, wholesome, modest, feminine woman. He trusts me enough to know that as his wife, companion, and household steward, that I know more about running the house and other things of importance than he does! And when/if I'm unable to perform my role as a homemaker (such as if I'm ill, or like now, when I'm unfortunately working and he's laid off)...well, he just asks me how I think he should do it!

A real man would never be afraid to ask his woman how to do anything. As the Head of the Household, it is his responsibility to ensure that he knows ALL the functions of the house, his own responsibilities as well as mine.

I think the rub lies in what people think "SUBMISSIVE" actually means. It's been so twisted and distorted and given such a negative connotation that there is always this massive knee-jerk reaction whenever the word is even casually mentioned. You can thank (or rather, blame) feminism for that one.

Through searching the scriptures for the actual TRUTH, people can come to learn what REAL submission means and how they should live their lives in a God-fearing manner.

Q&A

Recently, on one of the boards I frequent, I got a message from one of the members, asking for advice from me in desiring to live in a surrendered and submissive relationship. While I don't think I'm the authority-- by any means!-- on the subject, I answered her to the best of my understanding and as clearly as I could manage it.  

While she affirmed that she was naturally submissive, she had questions over how to manage disagreements in the relationship. Here is my answer:

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It's a pleasure for me to try and answer you, although I don't know that any of it will be satisfactory. I'll give it my best go from the standpoint of my own relationship; hopefully it'll be some help to you! I think the easiest way, probably, is to just tackle questions from the top of them and work my way down.

Daily disagreements, with us, are non-existent, so this is generally not an issue, ever. HOH and I never argue, truth be told. However, my recommendation, if you would care to look into surrendering your relationship and letting your man be the man of the house, is this: think about all those little disagreements, and decide whether they are truly worth the happiness in your home just so that you can be "right". The fact of the matter is that all the tiny arguments that go on in relationships are the ones that punch holes in them and lead to discontent.

Arguing over whether the toilet paper goes over the top or hangs down the bottom, etc., is truly not so important as lasting happiness in the home, if you take my meaning.

Serious disagreements, of course, are a totally different matter. As I've written pretty much everywhere, a truly dominant man does not really want someone that simply "yes sir!"s him. Your opinion should still have value, and he should naturally consider it before any decision-making he does. A pretender would naturally ONLY consider your opinion if it fell in line with his. A pretender would CONTINUE to do things his way, even knowing full well that he is wrong.

There is nothing wrong with GENTLY enlightening one's HOH. If ever mine were, in fact, wrong, I know for a fact that he would take the time out to hear my opinion, see my facts, and modify his decisions. Truthfully, though...he's never been wrong, and his intellect is so staggering that I can only nod my head along while he explains his reasonings for things.

The best thing to be careful of is that you actually TRULY KNOW your partner before you take it to the next level. For example, HOH and I agree about EVERYTHING, and that's no exaggeration. It's hard to imagine that Perfect Person, but I found mine in him. We spent literally hundreds of hours just talking, before we ever met, on subjects ranging from theology, to philosophy, to childrearing and discipline and everything in between. I knew before I ever laid eyes on him in person that he would be the one for me. Because I knew him so well, I am FULLY confident that he will do everything in his power to make the best decisions for OUR family, and that confidence has allowed myself even more to fully surrender to him.

There is so much joy in this that it's absolutely indescribable. 

As a natural submissive myself, I find great freedom in his allowing me to simply be myself. Surrendering our relationship to him has allowed me to focus on the things I feel more capable in: seeing to his needs and that of my son (who's 5) and making sure that our home is a clean, loving, and calm one for everyone. Because of the nature of our relationship and the fact that I love him so dearly, things which I-- in my previous marriage-- balked at (cleaning, sweeping, mopping, cooking dinners, etc.) are now an utter joy to me, and I know that he appreciates all the hard work I do to make our home a better, happy, and more conducive place to love in.

...and as far as the divorce thing goes, it seems to me that a tiny amount of congratulations is in order. I, too, am in much the same position, truth be told. In fact, HOH and I are both still "technically, legally" married to other people. Eventually, when the money allows for it, we'll both seek our legal divorces, but the state of the stupid piece of paper that tied me to the lazy, good-for-nothing loser I was previously engaged with simply means nothing to me, and the same way for him. I do consider ourselves married as only truly married people are, and I trust him with my literal life in all things.

Laura Doyle-- writer of the (in?)famous The Surrendered Wife-- would have you believe that the only way to true and lasting happiness in your marriage relationship is to lose everything of yourself and simply do WHATEVER he wants. I do want you to know that's not the case. Just be sure you and your man mesh up on all the Important Topics (such as those I talked about above), especially in standards of morality and theology, and you won't go wrong. Also...don't forget to tell your SO that this is what you want. Men, of course, are not mind-readers, any more than we are. Being submissive and surrendered does NOT mean losing your mind, thoughts, and intellect to your man. It means giving over your trust to him in everything.

If you don't feel that you have Perfect Trust for your SO, you may want to think long and hard before you get into something like this. Trust is THE number one rule for living surrendered and submissively, and without it, nothing else will fall in place, either.

Surrendering.

I have never read the book (where the term "surrendered" comes from), but it doesn't take rocket science to realize when one has found a kindred spirit, or that I don't find some value in the concept.

I have always been submissive by nature, but only recently did I find a man worthy enough to surrender myself to. It has been The Most Joyous thing that's ever happened to me. There's so much freedom in being allowed to be myself and to give in to him. I'm like a sapling, bending against the force of the wind. I'm a planet, and he is my sun. I can't help but find myself drawn to him and revolving around him. It feels so natural, so perfect, so right.

He never expects me to not have a mind of my own, although I do naturally demure to him. I am not a doormat, weak-willed, lazy, or lacking in intelligence. He loves me for my whole, and doesn't pick me apart to decide how I should behave. He understands that I find words of love far more difficult to express than doing so through my actions, and he's alright with that because it's simply a part of me. When I need correction, he will be there to help me. When I feel overemotional and clingy, he'll never push me away.

I finally feel free to be myself, for the first time in my life.